Both my cats adore the new cat bed I bought them. Not that they don't already have access to every soft surface in the house, but both boys love the cavernous-like qualities, and of course, the color perfectly matches Luther's fur.

I picked out a tombstone today. I had no idea how many decisions there are to be made concerning this. There were 3 basic shapes: the large, tall upright, which is the most expensive, the "slant-sided" version, which is still quite nice, but smaller and without the height, so it sits lower to the ground, and the kind that lies flat, face up in the ground, the cheapest at about $1,000.

I know the man would have loved it if I agreed to an etching or carving of one of my mother's art pieces (yes, they digitize it and shrink it to scale, the whole 9 yards) but in the end I decided to just go with the verse I'd written for her, "An artist who captured the beauty in life." It pretty much describes her.

I went for the upright style with the base, but somewhat smaller than full size. Still (gulp) this is costing over $2,000. That's with the light gray granite, quarried right here in New England (Barre, VT). I like the light gray; the other colors, like black or rose, are more expensive.

There is some uncertainty, depending on when my mother passed, about when her remains could be buried, due to this being winter. If there is heavy snowfall, the cemetery superintendent said they shut down; the monument place had said the quarry in Vermont shuts down for winter as well, but he had enough granite in stock that he could work around that. I hope that doesn't happen because I don't think I can begin to rest easy until I know this is behind me. Otherwise, I would have to wait until March or April for burial, which seems like a very long time.

He will email me some images of how it will look and then once I approve it they can get to work on it. It takes about 4 or 5 weeks and all will be done, save for the end date. They can even put the stone in place, without the concrete, below-ground footing, which may not be able to be done now either, again due to the cold weather. But they could put the stone there and then in spring just temporarily move it when they put the footing in, then re-position the stone.

I told the monument guy about how the first place I was shown at the cemetery was surrounded by at least 4 of the children who died in the 12/14 shootings here. And that I ultimately chose that spot because I thought my mother would like to be surrounded by children. The monument guy said I'd be surprised how many other people did the same thing.

He even talked to me about did my mother have a favorite font/typeface I'd like to use, and whether I wanted all caps or upper/lower case, and did I want the rough hewn border around the stone or polished granite look. I was just really surprised there were so many choices to be made.

After that I saw my mother, and fed her lunch. She is eating and drinking, but not anywheres near a full sized portion. I brought her over some fresh berries, dark chocolate and a clementine, and she seemed to enjoy all of it but after a certain point she would eat no more and clenched her teeth.

I also decided to start giving her her Christmas presents now; I would feel awful if something happened between now and Christmas and they were sitting her all wrapped. So I gave her one and got excited to see it.

When I came home, i got a message from another of my mother's cousins and I called her back and we had a good long talk. She's a year older than my mother but mentally she is very clear, though she had 2 hip replacements. She talked a lot about her parents and her grandmother and filled in some family history for me which I find so intriguing. I have a large sepia-colored family portrait of my grandfather's side of the family, and it was the matronly looking woman and her handlebar-mustachioed husband sitting in front of the clan that I always wondered about. They were my cousin's (and mother's) grandparents. When "Mary's" first husband died in a car accident in the 1930s (?) (the man in the photo) she remarried another man who last name is the name of the founder of a CT helicopter company. I'm curious to research this family history at some time and see if there's any connection there.

Sadly, my mother's cousin's father also had Alzheimer's, although he lived to be 90.

I had other errands to do today but I just didn't feel like it. Once it gets dark, I'm done.

My sister and I haven't spoken since June. She hasn't seen my mother since March. But because I've been steadily keeping my dad (long divorced from mom) updated about my mother's deteriorating condition, including now, the fact that hospice has been called, my sister I guess decided it was time to see her.

I only know this because I got an unexpected phone call from Maplewood at work. I had already settled up with them with the bills after moving her elsewhere so I was wondering why they was calling.

She told me someone by the name of XXX had been there, wanting to see my mother. Because she hasn't called me, she didn't know that my mother hasn't lived there since September. I tell my dad everything, but perhaps he never mentioned this to my sister, I don't know.

She wanted to know where she was. As standard security procedure, they asked her for some form of ID. She got upset about that and left.

After she told me that, I called my sister, got her machine and told her that my mom has been living at Masonicare, and gave her the room number. I also briefed her on what security measures to expect.

I was working at the office yesterday. Around 3 pm, I called the 2nd floor at Masonicare to see how my mom was doing today. The nurse told me she had a visitor around noon. It was my sister. Nurse said she stayed a long time and was crying and trying to feed her.

I still haven't talked to my sister, but I feel very badly for her. It must have been a huge shock to see my mother in her current condition, although my sister made the choice to stay away these many months. In fact, withdrawing from the family is a choice she's made for many years now. Even when she showed up for major holidays and birthdays, she never shared much about her life. If you asked questions about how was so and so (her significant other), her job, her animals, whatever, she would answer briefly, like "He's fine." "They're fine." She never volunteered much at all.

Sadly, when I brightly said to my mom last night, "So XX came to see you today," she looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. She didn't remember the visit. I don't think I will do that again; much as I knew seeing her oldest daughter would make her very happy, it would also be upsetting to not remember an event someone else did. This is what they mean by remaining in the present with dementia patients.

I don't know if this will be a one-time event. I know my sister deals with unpleasant or awkward situations by avoiding them, so she may never go back. My hope and prayer is that she will return to give my mother what solace she can.

My mother was not talking much last night, and what she did say was unintelligible. As I always do, I told her I love you very much. Forever and ever. Most times she will say, I love you very much. Last night, she also told me Thank you so much. I was bending my head down to hers, and I barely heard it. It startled me. She DOES have some awareness of what is going on and it breaks my heart.

Earlier on, mom would often say, I'm so lucky to have a daughter like you. The first time I remember her saying this was in the hospital shortly after her hip surgery. She was sitting down, looking up at me, her face was positively radiant and full of joy as she said it.

Each time she said this, I felt bad...and guilty...because I always thought I could have done more. It also made me more determined than ever to stand by my mother.

And I remember the trouble spots in our relationship from years ago with great regret, regret that I did not understand my mother then the way I do now, regret that I expected my mother to be the perfect parent instead of just a person who loved me very much.

The hospice nurse i guess will be on the scene on Monday as I never heard from her on Friday. I will see my mother today with some dark chocolate, a favorite.

Although I have to work most of the next 2 weeks since I used up my vacation, I plan on working from home most of that time so I can sneak away to see my mother and spend as much time wit her as I can.

Come Fly Away With Me

Last night a nurse from the nursing home called me to ask permission to put an IV in my mother overnight to give her fluids. She hasn't been eating or drinking much and she was dehydrated. I said yes. She made it seem like it wasn't a big deal, that hopefully my mother would bounce back once she got some fluids in her.

Tonight I went over there after work. She is not doing well. As luck would have it, the doctor was there when I arrived. I'd wanted to meet her for a long time; I hadn't planned on liking her as it seemed to me these past few months that she relied a lot on meds to manage my mother's condition, and they don't ask you, they just give residents the meds. It was hard keeping track of them, the frequent changes in dosing, etc. You give up a lot of control when you put a parent in a nursing home, that's one thing I've learned.

I was prepared to have to fight them on my mother's care because I felt that doctors and nurses are trained to preserve life at any cost. I worried that overnight IVs might become a nightly ritual. My mother has a living will that says she doesn't want artificial means of hydration or nutrition. I went with her to draw up the papers, and this turned out to be about 6 months before she was diagnosed with AD. Anyway, these past 24 hours I've been wondering how or when to draw the line, and what would my mother want now, regardless of what she signed then.

I was so surprised that the doctor was not at all what I expected. She told me her own mother died of Alzheimer's and that she wouldn't put my mother through the IV thing again. She told me that due to not eating or drinking enough, my mother's sodium levels were already elevated. She said it was not too soon to call in hospice. I was kind of reeling. She's telling me my mother will probably hang on for a few more weeks but eventually slip into a coma and die.

They said she was curling up in a fetal position and refusing food. This is exactly what my grandmother had done before she died. I remember when I went to visit her I tried to feed her and she pushed my hand away with surprising strength. It was almost as if she decided it was time, and this is also what the doctor said about my mother tonight.

Tonight I told my mother I loved her very much, and she told me she loved me very much. I tell her this every time I see her. So part of her is still there, because she said it back. I sat with her a while and held her hand, trying to soothe her to stop her moaning, something she has done a lot of for months now. She's not in pain; it almost seems like anxiety to me.



The doctor said that dying of dehydration is a painless way to die but they will make sure she's comfortable regardless. Hospice nurse is expected to arrive on Friday.

The doctor didn't know my mother was an artist, so while I was in with my mother, the doctor and the nurse with her googled my mother's name online and were admiring her work. Then they popped their head in my mother's room and saw the smaller pieces I'd brought in for the walls. The doctor said she wanted to buy one of her larger pieces. My mother, who had been lying there moaning with her eyes closed, opened her eyes wide when the doctor said this. So she understands what's being said, she's just not really able to communicate or respond. It's really sad.

Coincidentally, I emailed the owner of a gift shop where I'd dropped off 15 or so smaller pieces right after Thanksgiving. I emailed her to say well, i haven't heard from you so I guess you haven't sold anything; if you want to lower the price by 10% or 15%, you can. She wrote back to say she'd just sold the most valuable piece I'd left there the night before. I was so happy. My mother would be psyched, if only she knew.

I feel so very sad. Everyone must die, I know, and I have to remind myself that my mother lived a rich, fulfilling and productive life. She is 81. There have been many times these past few months when I inexplicably feel I fiercely miss her, and can't wait to see her again at the nursing home, even though I just saw her a day ago. Before she had the Alzheimers, I was not this close to her, but I think I'm just trying to spend as much time with her as I can before she goes. I feel I have been grieving for her for many weeks now, in truth, and I know I will miss her very, very much when she's gone. I don't know how I will deal with that; the finality of death is what scares me. When she's gone, my life will be changed forever.

I can't help thinking about that one last little trip I'd wanted to take her on when she was still living at Maplewood last summer. I had gotten into the habit of doing little field trips with her; one week it was a museum in Westchester County, while another week she was thrilled with a trip to an eclectic garden nursery because she got to stroke a big fit cat lying on the counter in the gift shop. But the one trip I wanted to take her to, but didn't, was a small but exquisite Japanese garden, also in Westchester County. We had in fact been there once before but I knew she wouldn't remember it and it really was so beautiful. There were a few weekends that summer when it was just too humid and hot to go and so the summer wore on and now it is too late.


Out of the Woods IV

I am glad 2 of my male friends came with me to visit her there, along with her cousin from New Jersey and her faithful neighbors from her old condo. I am glad for the meals I shared with her there, and the walk we took around the new condos across the way, and the walk around the pond with the fountain she could see from her window. I am so very glad for the countless times I pushed her in her wheelchair, outside around the pond or, when the weather got too chilly, up and down the hallways, on the first floor where we could look at the fish tanks and the art on the walls, just to get away from the depressing 2nd floor.

Now I will have to fast forward the funeral plans, something I'd been procrastinating about and planning on putting off til after the holidays.


Winter Grove

This also means that, unexpectedly, my sister and I will inherit a sizable sum that I assumed would be sucked up by the nursing home in a year or so. To be perfectly honest, I would rather not inherit anything than have to give my sister half the money. She emotionally mistreated my mother for years, abandoned her when she became ill and walked out on me. We haven't talked since June and she hasn't seen my mother since March, before I had to move my mother into assisted living. For that I cannot forgive her, and I will hate like hell to have to fork over her share, but do it I will, to honor my mother's wishes. I'm honestly not even sure my sister will show up for the funeral.

I want to have calling hours so that friends of my mother's can stop in if they wish. I think that would be a comfort to me. What I'm envisioning as a brief funeral and burial will be private, family only.

But I may be the only family there if my sister doesn't go and my mother's cousin from NJ doesn't go. Maybe she would; I'm not sure as my mother's cousin just lost her husband a month ago. I think my dad, long divorced from my mother, would go to support me, but if not, I would be all by myself. That's why I want my mother's friends to show up, to support me the way my own friends, here online and elsewhere, have done. I would be lost without you. A special thank you to FrugalTexan. No matter how mundane, rambling or boring my posts are, she never fails to leave a little encouraging note, just to let me know someone is reading my thoughts. Thank you, FT. Hugs to you all.

So happy we have photos back!!!!

So here are a few of my favorite photos my trip to Rockport, Mass last October:


My $21 lobster roll. Soo worth it.


Kayaks moored off Tuna Wharf.


The much photographed fish shack.


The view from my room.

Now for a switch, images of the city where I work and take daily walks:




This is a museum.


The county courthouse.


View from the green.


Um yeah, these are elephants walking through town. It wasn't a parade.

Testing to see if I can post a photo here.



Could it be ???? Eureka!!!!!!!!!

I had over 75 replies to various blog posts I'd written going back to September in my inbox, starting last night. They must be working on the site. Maybe they'll fix the picture thing.

That was the title I gave a post of mine on a Facebook yarn destash site. I had a bunch of colorful, dyed jute that I wanted to sell from my mother's stash.

Really didn't appreciate it when someone made a random, wholly undocumented comment that "you might want to wear a mask because I heard that jute causes lung problems."

Who knows how many buyers that comment scared off. I did some research online and all I could find on the subject was a study of garment workers in Nepal who inhaled not only jute dust but also cotton and flax dust who could get lung problems. Kind of a leap to surmise that recreational weavers could have the same problem. I didn't notice any similar comments about all the mohair, cotton and wool I see being sold there, so why pick on my jute? Anyway, I sold it...

Had a nice day with Dad today. He was up for something to do so he joined me as we:

1. Dropped off some cat food and old towel donations at the town animal shelter

2. Dropped off a book at library for them to sell

3. Stopped in at an art gallery where I dropped off 3 more pieces of my mother's work and picked up a framed piece I asked the gallery owner, a friend of my mom's, to frame for me. She had quoted me a price of $75 and I was so surprised when she insisted on giving it to me! She said I deserved it, a reference to all the stuff going on with my mother. That was so nice of her; I dropped off another matted piece of my mom's to have framed, so she'll have a chance to make some money off me, which I don't mind. I intend to continue getting pieces matted, one at a time, as long as I'm working and can afford it. If I don't frame, they will begin to get damaged.

4. After that, since it was such a nice sunny day and WARM, upper 50s, we kept driving north into scenic Litchfield County where we stopped by Squantz Pond and I told dad what the lake was known for (drownings, due to deep waters and lots of people from NYC coming up who never learned to swim). From there we continued north and stopped in at The Old Store, run by the Sherman Historical Society. It's 1 part museum and local history center and one part cutesy gift shop. I couldn't resist buying 2 ornaments as gifts for people I know.

Then we drove up to Kent, CT, which is another cutesy little town that attracts a lot of day trippers from the city, though a different, more upscale crowd than those who go to the pond with their loud boom boxes and picnics.

Conveniently, it was lunch time, so we took a break and had a fun lunch at the Fife & Drum, which is a local landmark. I had an inventive butternut squash ravioli dish with goat cheese and cranberries. He had mussels. We both had dessert.

On the way home we stopped at Tractor Supply store for a 2nd attempt to get a wheel for my sister's garden cart. They still didn't have it so we spent a while there placing an order.

Then I bumped into a weaver I'd just met this past week when she came to my home to buy yarns. She introduced me to her husband who was pushing the cart.

By then it was 3 pm and clouding over and suddenly dark, so, mindful of my dad's macular degeneration and the fact he still had to drive home from my house, I headed home rather quickly.

With all that driving around we had plenty of time to talk about things and as before, I learned some pretty eye-opening things from him, this time about his marriage to my mom (they're divorced) and my grandfather. I had not been aware, for instance, that my grandfather had a drinking problem. I believe my grandparents had a happy marriage and apparently he only drank away from home, but of course, that must have meant he was drinking and driving.

I never saw that side of my grandfather; i just saw a very loving, kind and fun-loving man.

The larger shocker was when my dad told me that the man who would become my mom's 2nd husband was actually someone she was seeing while she was still married to my father. In other words, she was cheating on my father. This kind of blew my mind.

The book I dropped off at the library to donate was one of my mom's, titled, The Art of Happiness. My dad had asked what the book was, and he said when i told him it instantly triggered a reaction in him because he felt my mother was always searching for something she felt was missing in her life.

I guess I have to agree with that. When she was younger, she was always reading psychology books on similar topics, and she did go thru 3 husbands. It doesn't mean I love her any less, knowing this, but I feel sad she may not have found what she was looking for. Art was the one constant in her life.

We are all imperfect people. I have learned more about my parents as people, not parents, these past few months, more than at any other time in my life.

I decided to work at home again today, a day I normally head into the office.

I had a stomachache most of the day on Tuesday at the office. Yesterday I felt okay but this morning, AS SOON as I got up, I was in the bathroom like 4 times. Maybe an intestinal bug or something.

Although I do also remember eating last night about a third cup of older hummus with some crackers. I like to buy the extra large size containers of hummus at BJs and I have had them grow mold and go bad on me in the past. This container was 75% used, and while I didn't see any mold, there was a portion of it, in hindsight, where the texture looked a little different, kind of the way melted ice cream looks after it refreezes. I'm wondering if this was "pre-mold."

But being frugal and not liking to throw food out, I ate it. Now I'm wondering if that's behind my digestive issues, although that being said, I did also have that day long stomachache on Tuesday, before I touched the hummus. Oh well. I guess I'd better throw the hummus out.

I walked last Sunday with a new Meet Up group I joined. About six signed up to go but it wound up being just me and one other woman. It didn't bother me as it gave us a chance to get to know each other better than if we'd had a larger group. I plan on continuing on with the group with weekend walks, both for the exercise and maybe some free therapy.

Sold a bit of yarn last night and hope to sell some more today.

My 8-year-old garage door opener stopped working a few weeks ago and when a new battery didn't do the trick, I went to Sears and bought a new one. I programmed the code myself and got it to work. Feeling so proud. I use it infrequently, though, and when I tried to use it the other day, it didn't work again. Strange, since it worked before. I rechecked the code thing on the back and also could see that the thing was lighting up when i pushed the button, telling me the battery was fine. I'm also able to open the garage door by pushing the button inside the garage. So it would seem there's still something wrong with either the code or the opener I just bought.

I did also notice that the light bulb on the garage ceiling is out. I don't think there should/would be any relationship between the light and the garage door opener operation, but just for the heck of it i will make a point to change that lightbulb to see. I do remember from a previous time that a CFL bulb doesn't work in there; it has to be an old incandescent bulb, and of course i threw all of them out a month ago when i was trying to clean out a kitchen cabinet above my fridge. I figured I had no use for them. I just hope i can get the garage door opener working.

I got an $8,000 bill for my mother's first month at Masonicare skilled nursing. It made me sick to my stomach, even though this was expected and part of the plan to spend down my mother's life savings until we can put her on Medicaid.

I cancelled my Citi Thank You Premier Card, the one where I just redeemed $550 in gift cards, most of which I'm having trouble spending, quite honestly. She tried to get me to keep the card by offering me 5,000 more points after spending just $1,000 (hmm, wasn't sure how much that is worth, just $50?) but I decided to let it go as this card has an annual fee that I don't want to get stuck paying after I forget about it. So one less card in my wallet.

I have one other card with an annual fee, the US Bank Flex Perks card, I need to get rid of before a year is up and I pay that fee. But first I have to get rid of the $39 credit by charging something.

I will keep using my AARP and and BOA Cash Card for the 3% points in gas, and my Amex Blue Cash Everyday card for the 3% back in groceries. The Citi Forward card might also be dispensed with because I don't eat out much or buy movies. I might also get rid of my Cap One Platinum card, I don't know. I'm all for simplifying my wallet hierarchy.

If anyone knows of another great card for a big cash bonus I can use on gift cards (not travel) after spending so much money, please let me know. I do believe I've held most of them at one time or another although maybe I can start going back and repeating some.

From time to time I hear from someone who knew my mom and they ask how she's doing. Today, it was her accountant; for years, she bartered with him, trading art for a tax return. I will have him do her taxes again this year but I will just use cash. I thought of suggesting it, as I'd love to get rid of more of her work, but I don't know his tastes or whether he even has room for more.

Sadly, one of her significant love interests years ago, who I spoke to twice prior to his trip to Florida for cataract surgery, never called again after he promised he would call my mom. I suppose he could have tried, but since she's in a different place now, he wouldn't have been successful.

In hindsight, I can see even more clearly how upsetting and depressing it would be for him. I am sure he prefers to remember her as she was in those days when they dated and he squired her around Manhattan to museums and theater. At this point, she would not be able to have a conversation with him.

I have more or less recovered from my long drive home last night and am really looking forward to the weekend with not TOO much planned.

I am planning on going to my first "Meet up" walk with a few women who formed a group in neighboring town. I walk a lot myself, but if I could go with a group, for some friendships and heck, get some free therapy, all the better. It's at 9 a.m. on Sunday, a little early but I guess I can make the effort.

This time of year I love going to all the little church bazaars, fairs, holiday craft shows, etc. I like homemade stuff. There's one tomorrow I will hit that I may have gone to once before.

I vaccuumed today and got that out of the way. I also want to go to BJs tomorrow, caulk under a bathroom window where I felt a draft and find a post office that has a medium-sized tube box so I can ship some more weaving accessories to someone who wants them.

I guess most other things in my life are on auto pilot. Umm, I finally got around to setting up a downstairs lamp on a timer so the house is not pitch black when i get home from work.

I need to get an electrician out here...maybe i will call today to schedule..an outlet I use a lot in the garage is suddenly not working (mice?) and the same with my attic lights.

Today I had to drive up to the Boston area for meetings with my new work team. I left the house at 6:30 am and got up there at 9:30 a.m. I had mostly back to back meetings with people telling me all this stuff which by day's end, I just wasn't really absorbing.

I did have a planned lunch with someone I'd gotten friendly with (and having worked on a few projects with) after learning she is also caring for a mother with Alzheimer's. But the restaurant service was so slow that by the time our food was served, we had 15 minutes to eat it and get back, so all I could eat was the soup and I grabbed the sandwich to go.

I hate this drive...lots of traffic, a tool highway, 7 highway changes so you can't not pay attention and of course, driving in the dark going home with too many tractor trailers, etc. I left a little after 5 and got home about 8 pm

They had 2 more meetings, holiday-related, they wanted me to come up there for next week (!) and I told them no. Are they kidding me? I didn't choose to have my job reassigned to another department and i wasn't consulted when that was done. Now i have a new boss and a team that all works up there, and I work down in CT. But that doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to be willing to do the 6-hour drive anytime they think it's a good idea.

Since I'd only had the soup for lunch, I was famished by the time I began my drive home, so I was so thankful to have the leftover sandwich to eat while I drove.

Tomorrow, thank God, I'm working from home so I can relax a little, and then it's the weekend. It's things like this, honestly, that make me want to quit my job earlier than planned. And of course it irks me that they are just adding to my workload with adding to my compensation.But this is what companies do.

Here's what I did yesterday (a lot!)

1. Filled up the gas tank.

2. Went to WalMart to pick up some catfood and Special Kitty cat litter, reportedly "99% dust-free.) I've come to the conclusion that Waldo has asthma, not allergies, based on watching a You Tube video of same. He had a very bad attack a week ago and I want to try to eliminate the dust clouds I've noticed from the BJs boxes of cat litter. It's cheap, but very dusty, and I don't like breathing it in either.

I was expecting an absolute ZOO at around 10 am but strangely, it wasn't crowded at all. The place that WAS packed was JoAnn Fabrics.

3. Went to Lowes to see if there was anything I wanted to buy with my $100 gift card earned as part of my Citi Thank You Premier cc reward. I wound up buying 2 poinsettias (Black Friday special of $1 each)..1 for my office and 1 for mom... and some LED light bulbs and caulk.

4. JoAnn Fabrics: Bought 3 shadow box frames to frame some matted pieces of my mother's art that I like very much. As a weaver, she wove her share of baskets, but these are framed and mostly flat renditions of baskets with weaving, feathers and braiding..which I would post here if only the photo feature here worked.

5. Deposited a small check at bank from a class action settlement.

6. I was able to get the medium sized Priority Mail shipping tubes at Post Office that I needed to ship some weaving accessories to buyers on Facebook destash site.

7. Grocery shopping at Big Y.

8. Washed my car.

9. Vacuumed my car....glad to be able to do this as it could be the last time until spring.

10. Wearing a dust mask, I poured a galvanized garbage can full of old, dusty cracked corn birdseed into 2 garbage bags, destined for the landfill. I'd let this sit at least a year and forgot about it; i noticed it was sort of clumpy...maybe moldy? and little maggot worms in there. I suppose the birds would love the worms but not sure if safe to eat, so I'm throwing it out.

11. Swept up yet more leaves that tend to collect at head of driveway as it's surrounded by stone walls on 2 sides and the side of my garage on the 3rd side. Filled the wheelbarrow with them.

Last night I watched the 1st episode of a History channel show called Alone, another survival type reality show where 10 men get dropped off, separately, in remote parts of Vancouver Island. The 1st of the 10 dropped out of the contest after spending a night in his tent and 2 bears came huffing along in the darkness. He had no weapons other than his ax and you could see he nearly wet his pants, which I would do as well. He said that getting "stalked" wasn't worth it and he just wanted to be home with his wife and daughter, forget the half million price. I most wholeheartedly agree. I could barely stand to watch it, it was so nervewracking.

I tallied up my November income and expenses a few days early. Unfortunately, the vet bills for the extraction of Waldo's 6 teeth, plus the bloodwork for his thyroid, came to $800. So instead of having a little something left over at month's end, expenses exceeded income by $152. It was only the 2nd time this year my total monthly expenses exceeded $3,000.

So year to date (not counting my auto 401k deductions), I've saved just $8,505 in after tax savings. That means I have just one month left this year to save $2,495, the amount I need to save if I'm to hit my target of saving $11,000 in after tax savings in 2015 (see sidebar at left).

Quite frankly, I don't think I'll be able to save that, given that it's holiday time and that means more spending on me and others. I have to watch the spending on myself as I find myself often doing that to make myself feel better vis a vis my mother.

I did earn about $209 this month from the continued sale of my mother's yarns and weaving accessories, $58 in credit card rewards and $69 in freelance editing but that wasn't enough to put me in positive territory. Also of note is that it cost me just $199 to get a half tank of oil, SOO much lower than usual. Without the drop in oil prices I'd be even more in the hole.

A nicely timed spike in the stock market would be much appreciated right now.

My weekends are as busy as the weekdays!

I headed out the door with my agenda for the day:

1. I returned my mother's room key to Maplewoods. As mentioned, I FINALLY found the long missing key in the bottom of an opened box of pantiliners, which I could have easily thrown away! This is a hallmark of dementia...putting things away in places they don't belong. I have also found snacks I've brought for my mom wrapped up inside a sock. But anyway, I'm so glad not to have to pay the $250 "lost key" fee.

2. Returned some oatmeal (wrong kind) I'd ordered online to Walmart. So much for saving time.

3. Headed up to art gallery #1 about a half hour from here, on the west side of the lake, where my mother has shown for years. I planned to take back about 8 pieces my mother had there before she got ill because I didn't know what pieces were there and I was worried I'd lose track of them; plus, they've been there forever and they haven't sold.

Once I was there, and she gave me a big hug hello, I decided to take just one piece I liked a lot; the rest I'll keep there through the holiday shopping season and then take them back. I also dropped off a matted piece of my mom's so the proprietor could frame it for me. It's not cheap...costing me $75...but it's a fairly large piece and an unusual, rectangular size that is not standard. This woman's been so nice to me I wanted to give her some business. I also gave her a box of about 20 glass panes that I can't do anything with and perhaps she can use in her business. I'll be excited to get the framed piece back in a few weeks and may bring another one to frame, because 1) you can't sell matted, unframed pieces, generally speaking and 2) the longer these things sit on the floor, the more likely they'll get damaged, and thus unsellable. So while I'm making a good salary and earning money, why not frame the best matted pieces, one by one?

After that I headed to gallery #2, east of the lake, which is more of a combination gift shop newly expanded to include the work of local artists. I brought a box of my mother's small works there, tiny framed pieces we priced at no more than $50 or $60. As I was cleaning and examining what I was going to bring, there were a few I had to set aside because they had little scratches or imperfections. It just underscored by desire to sell these, even with a 40% commission. So I left about a dozen pieces with her. This was my first time meeting the woman who owned the shop, and once again as has happened with SO many women about my age, we started talking about our experiences with aging parents. She gave me a hug as I was leaving. I love that complete strangers can come to understand and care about another in just the course of a very brief conversation.

I stopped in at Whole Foods because I've had a real yearning for quality organic apples and I figured they've have a better selection.

Then I stopped at Caraluzzi's and purchased my groceries with my Amex card, spending about $23 and I'll get $10 back as a statement credit.

When I got home I was feeling very satisfied to get some things I'd really been wanting to do for a while. I made myself lunch of a tofu-turkey dog and brussels sprouts, turned on HSN and before you knew it i treated myself to an Italian gold coin pendant on HSN.

I took a peek at my 401k balance and am thrilled it now exceeds $33,000 after just 15 months of contributions. It's beginning to feel substantial.

Some of that money was from contributions made in 2014, though, so I haven't met my $34,000 in savings goal (see my profile on the side) with just the 401k. I think I may make it when I include taxable savings, which I'll have to look at when I do my year-end numbers.

Tomorrow I'll visit my mother, make my sweet potato/black bean/cilantro dish, a favorite, take a long walk and that's about it!

When your loved one has dementia, you really have to laugh at this stuff. Because there's not usually much humor to be found. But this did bring a smile to my heart.

After my mother's hip fracture, when I decided to move my mother out of the tony Maplewood and into Masonicare, which has an attached rehab and skilled nursing facility on site, I reread the many documents I'd signed in a daze upon admission to Maplewood. Among the clauses that caught my eye was the pronouncement that you'd be charged $250 each for any lost room keys.

I returned my key but I could not find my mother's. She always wore it on a little plastic spiral wristlet thing.

I suppose finding it...or not...is inconsequential at this point since all my mother's assets will be sucked up by Masonicare and then the state will pick up most of her expenses.

Still, I worried about where that key was and I did NOT want to pay an outrageous "lost key" fee. I personally packed up everything in my mother's room at Maplewood and could not find it in her dresser drawers, her handbag, the closet, etc.

As I set most of the same stuff back up in her new space at Masonicare assisted living, I hoped to uncover it, but did not. After her 3 days there and the 2 week stint at Masonicare's geriatric psychiatric hospital unit, I packed up her stuff yet again, bringing it from Masonicare assisted living to my home because at that point I knew she had to go into the nursing home.

I haven't made much progress sorting through stuff because I've been swamped with paperwork for her admission to nursing home, healthcare matters, financial matters and of course my f/t job.

Still, I was determined to find the damn key. At one point I found an unusually large key and although it wasn't on Maplewood's trademark wristlet, I thought my mother could have managed to remove it from the wristlet and that this might be it. So I eagerly stopped over at Maplewood with my dad, but no, they told me that wasn't their key.

I inquired at the front desk there whether one of their nurses removed it from my mother's wrist when she was brought to the hospital Labor Day weekend. the front desk sent out an email, got no response, then someone said we don't know, we have to look into it and I never heard from them again. (So typical.)

I basically gave up on ever finding the room key and I figured it would be futile to call the hospital about it.

Lo and behold, I found the key this morning. It was in the bottom of an opened box of Equate pantiliners. If I weren't so frugal, I could have easily tossed that box and never found it. Or, since it was opened, it could have easily fallen out and dropped who knows where.

There is a sad memory associated with those pantiliners. I remember when I first moved my mother to Maplewood, pre-hip fracture, when she was urgently asking me to get her some pantiliners. I didn't even know she used them although the funny thing is, i use them daily and I guess she did too. (Sorry, TMI?) Anyway, these were the pantiliners I'd bought her. I remember a few months later I thought she might be running low so I brought over another box and sadly, she did not seem to know what they were for. That's how quickly you can lose your mind.

Anyway, I've already alerted the business manager over there so i don't get charged any "missing key" fee.

This year it's spend $10 or more at a small business and get $10 back. I enrolled my Amex Blue Cash Everyday card. My local grocer is considered a small business so that's where I'll go as they have the best produce.

I also enrolled in Amex's offer of "Spend $60 or more at Amazon by 12/31/15 and you'll get $15 back." Easy peasy. I buy stuff at Amazon every month so I can use my $30 gift cards earned from my credit card forums and to avoid paying for shipping, I usually go over that a little. So the Amex offer will make it even more worthwhile.

Tomorrow's my work at home day. I have to get Waldo to the vet to get his teeth pulled. I was supposed to have done that last week, but he was avoiding me after I squirted meds in his mouth twice and brought him to vet once already. But he MUST go.

I have to say my employer, a large bank, is very flexible as to employees' work schedules. Most people work at home to one degree or another, and you don't need any special reason to do so. In my case, my boss was resistant to the idea a while back but relented when I made an impassioned case more recently that I needed time to manage my mother's affairs from home.

Today, I won another concession from my new boss, in that I wanted to be able to take a longer mid-day break on my 2 work at home days so I could see my mother at the nursing home and help ensure she gets some kind of walking exercise, so critical to build strength and avoid further falls. I can't go after 5 due to sundowning syndrom. So I asked to have from 1:30 to 3 pm off those days and then I would work til 6 pm to make up for the extra hour. My new boss agreed, and I haven't even met her yet. She's in one of our Mass. offices and I will likely be driving up there next Monday to meet my new group. If not Monday, then right after Thanksgiving.

I feel a little uncomfortable asking for a "favor" like that when I'm brand new to them, but I have established a record at this bank after 2 years there, and my old boss "raved" about me to the new one, according to the new one.

What I would REALLY like to ask for next is a reprieve from having to travel up there for various quarterly meetings. Its 6 hours of driving and a nearly full work day in a single day, driving home in the dark on unfamiliar roads...it makes for an exhausting day and it usually takes me a day to recover. I'm getting too old for all that. I could use as my excuse that I don't feel comfortable being so inaccessible should something happen with my mother. I don't know if I should do that or not. People have been very sympathetic as many there know what I'm going through. I do still feel like we're in crisis mode from one day to the next; it seems like it's just one fire after another.

I told my "old" boss today (who I still do work for, it's just that she's no longer who I report to) how appreciative I was for the company's flexibility in this regard and I think she in turn appreciated hearing that. I stopped short of saying that if it were any other company, I probably would have quit or scaled back my workweek at this point because I seriously question whether I could have done everything I have done without those 2 work at home days.

I've come to the conclusion that the American healthcare system for caring for the elderly is just plain inadequate and is failing miserably. Nursing homes don't have the money or staffing to be able to provide one on one assistance, and so my mother keeps falling. I'm almost afraid to call tonight to see if anyone got around to assembling the expensive chair I purchased that was delivered last Thursday but was still sitting in 2 boxes in a hallway as of Saturday. I mean, it feels like i must get on everyone's case to get anything done. People just don't feel a particular sense of urgency about my mother's situation. Everything happens on Masonicare time. It would be no different at any other nursing home, I'm sure of it.

The concept of "rehab" is a total joke, and while you might manage to recover from a surgery/injury DESPITE their rehab, if you were in your 30s, 40s or 50s, someone in their 80s has no hope of recovering their former physical or mental abilities with an hour a day of exercise, sitting in a wheelchair or lying in bed the other 23 hours. What a joke.

The food is terrible, and despite written orders from me of no sugary desserts after lunch, after dinner, or sugary fruit drinks, they put a plate of 2 yodels in front on my mother at lunch the other day. Who knows how much more she's getting when I'm not around?

I purchased a book on special diets for Alzheimers patients, written by a doctor who specializes it hat field. The number one thing he recommends? No SUGAR.
The dietitian I plan to give it to for Christmas will no doubt be pissed at me; she seemed a little defensive when she attended a group care meeting for my mother a few months ago.

Thanksgiving will be a quiet affair. They have a turkey lunch there, don't know how special it will be, but I will join my mother for lunch and bring a special 3-nut pie I know she likes for our own private dessert. Well, maybe I'll share the rest with whatever staff is stuck there that day. I'm already planning on giving out small boxes of chocolate truffles to the staff there with notes thanking them for looking after mom at Xmas. If it results in a little more kindness or attention for my mom, it will have served its purpose.

I don't know if my friend Dave would want to go to a restaurant somewhere with me later in the day. He joined me, my sister and mother at a restaurant last year. He has 2 brothers but they both have their own families and I guess he preferred not to see them. So I'll leave that possibility open. I do have the Friday after Thanksgiving off.

As for the rest of the year, I used up nearly all of my 22 or so PTO (Paid Time Off) days on my mother this year, except for 2 days I used to go to Rockport Mass on my own private mini vacation on the sea. I have a half day off after Christmas, but since my boss will be out for 2 entire weeks, I plan to work at home most of the time and since so many people take time off, it will nearly feel like a non-workday except that I can't leave the house.

I wanted to get the car over to mechanic by 8 a.m. today for an oil change, and so he could look at one tire that keeps losing air pressure when it gets cold. It's a real pain in the butt....I'm rushing around trying to get out of the house and get to work, and then I drive about a mile and the low air pressure light comes on, forcing me to pull over in some parking lot and fool around with my cheap little air compressor so I don't damage any tires. I bought one from AARP and it sucks. There have been times I couldn't pull the hose off the valve stem and I wound up damaging the valve stem which then had to be replaced. You get what you pay for. If I get another air compressor, it will be the type you screw onto the valve stem, NOT the kind where you press down a plastic tab to lock the air compressor hose onto the nozzle.

I've already taken it in twice to a certain tire place last winter, and still I'm having problems with it. I got the oil changed but I'd forgotten this guy doesn't do anything tire-related, so since I got out of there by 8:30 a.m., I rushed over to the tire place to see if I could get it taken care of. There were already 5 people ahead of me and I knew I had a 10 a.m. appointment to do the nursing home paperwork to admit my mother, so the tire issue will have to wait til Saturday morning...early again.

Seems my oil changes will all be around $50 now, instead of the $25 or $30 I've paid for years. Being a newer car (2013), the car takes synthetic oil, which is more expensive. But you can also drive it for 7 or 8,000 miles instead of 3 to 5,000 miles, which I intend to do.

After leaving the tire place, I still had some time before my 10 a.m. appointment left so I made a quick stop at Walmart for catfood.

Then I went to Masonicare and got all the paperwork done in about a half hour. Wasn't thrilled to learn that once my mother goes on Medicaid, not ALL her expenses will be picked up. There may be prescription copays, and if my mother were to go to the hospital for more than 14 days, Medicaid would no longer pay for her room at the nursing home and then I would have to decide if I wanted to private pay to hold the room for her to the tune of $423 a day. If I decided not to, I'd run the risk of there possibly not being a bed open at the nursing home when my mother was finally released. Not something I'd want to risk, but the money would now be coming out of my pocket, since this would all be happening after I spent down my mother's assets. A sobering thought.

K. said this kind of scenario is very rare, and that she'd have to be very sick to stay in hospital for more than 2 weeks and if she was that sick she'd probably go into hospice.

Also, Medicaid allows you to keep $60 a month from Social Security payments in a separate account for miscellaneous expenses. So if I needed to buy her clothes, or if I wanted to pay for things like prescription co-pays out of that money, I could, although I could also just let the money accumulate month to month as long as it didn't rise above $1,600, at which point Medicaid would say my mother is no longer eligible for Medicaid. So you have to make sure the money doesn't pile up too much.

The other thing she warned me about is that if my mother ever has to go see a doctor (her primary care doc will be the staff doctor there, and they do have an in-house dentist and podiatrist and rheumatologist), I would either have to bring her to the outside doc myself or pay exorbitant fees to have a service take her. Not sure why the fees are exorbitant.

After I took care of the paperwork, I brought a small suitcase of winter clothes for my mother to the 2nd floor and some other stuff. I have more to bring but a little at a time. I think I can hang art on the wall by her bed, but it will be more limited than the assisted living place and I'll need to hang it all higher on the wall she wouldn't accidentally hit it.

I am still mulling over interest expressed by the nursing home to hang my mother's work in some places like the lobby. I'd prefer to hang it on the 2nd floor since that's where she is and she'd see it there often...perhaps in the small dining room where she's been eating, although it can get kind of crowded in there. K. had suggested the lobby, which my mother would only see if I was wheeling her around on one of my visits.

I hung out with my mother for 2 hours and walked her down the hall and back, which seemed to tire her out. On the advice of a social worker, I had purchased her a few camisoles from Aero store for about $5 each and I brought one of them in to see if it fit, which it seemed to (a medium) but wondering if it will shrink a lot if it's 95% cotton and 5% spandex. So not sure if I should return the other 2 I bought. The social worker who recommended them (more comfortable than a bra and offers some sense of modesty) said make sure to get extra large, becus this is a teen store and they run small, I guess, though my mother is pretty small.

So I helped her get the cami on and then a different sweater that she'd made and shirt that I'd brought over. I know all of her favorite colors, so I brought over the light blues and turquoises and pale pinks that go well with her white hair. She did seem to enjoy seeing her own clothes.

After that I went home and my dad came over around 12:30 p.m. I brought him to a Verizon store so he could buy more minutes (yeah, I know), then to that warehouse tool shop for something, then to Tractor Supply for a wheel they didn't have but he got birdseed, I dropped off some more of mom's books as donations to the library and then finally around 2 pm we got to Red Lobster where I used a gift card I had for lunch for both of us.

I enjoyed the ordinariness of running errands with my dad, which I haven't done a whole lot of in my life due to my parents' divorce, but more than that it gave us time to just talk about random things, which I always find interesting. I always like to learn a little something new. Today he talked a little bout when he served in the Korean War. A fitting topic since today is Veterans Day. He was a Navy Seaman First Class and he worked with a crew of 7 on a small salvage ship out of Bayonne, NJ, not far from where he lived. He only served 2 of the 4 years he was supposed to serve because my grandmother (his mother) petitioned through the Red Cross or something for an early release because my grandfather had a heart attack and in those days, the treatment for a heart attack was a year's bed rest!! I never knew this happened, but my grandfather spent a year in bed. So my grandmother was forced to take over my grandfather's service station/garage business and I'm sure it must've been a handful. So I guess she said she needed her son home to help with the family business, and they let him go.

Although it was a very tiring day, it did at the same time recharge my batteries.

Tomorrow it's back to work but working from home.

I was just enjoying a pumpkin bread pudding I made when I heard Luther behind run rapidly out of the room. That usually happens when Luther has seen another animal outside.

I went to the window and sure enough, I saw the back of an animal perched on the crest of the small hill my house sits on. It was maybe 20 feet from my front door. It seemed to be surveying the front yard. First I thought it must be a fox but the coloring was all wrong. The foxes here have reddish/tan coats. I did once see a mangy fox with a gray coat, but this animal I was seeing today had thick black and gray hair and tufted ears.

I went to grab my camera and when I returned to the window I saw it running down the lawn out of sight toward a woodsy area along the road.

I think it was a bobcat! Bobcat sightings are not at all unusual in my area, and photos of them pop up regularly in the local papers.

So exciting!

Other weekend news:

Yesterday my friend Dave helped me pack up all my mother's belongings from her assisted living room at Masonicare into his van. It all barely fit. Then we unloaded it. I was looking forward to a relaxing and well deserved lunch with him afterwards, my treat, but I think he was tired and he wanted to head home.

This morning I ran down to Trader Joe's around 8:30 a.m. just so I could grab some frozen julienned root vegetables. I called ahead to make sure they had them. They are a seasonal item and last year I was so disappointed when I had them once but couldn't get them again, so this time I grabbed 6 bags.

I mulched all the leaves on the lawn with my mower and things look fairly tidy, now that most of the leaves are finally off the trees. I also swept leaves and pine needles off my long driveway, filling the wheelbarrow at least 4 times.

I still have a half dozen potted plants on my front stairs, so I put them all in the garage to over winter til next spring. I left the pumpkins out.

I made a double batch of my granola for the coming weeks. I programmed the new remote control for my garage door. Easy peasy. I took a 40-minute walk and stopped to chat with my neighbor, who was walking his dog down the road.

I hung up a few more of my mother's art on the walls to get them off the floor. I did some rearranging in my family room, where, after dragging my sofa out to the sun room with Dave yesterday (I hope to sell it on Facebook for $50 as Make a Home Foundation apparently didn't want it), we moved the twin bed I'd bought for my mother when I thought she'd be living in assisted living place. I put a throw and a bunch of pillows on the bed and it looks like a daybed. It will be really nice when it gets hot next summer and I can sleep downstairs for a change with the breezes from the sunroom coming in.

I have $500 in gift cards burning a hole in my pocket. Aside from about $50 spent at Walmart online today for some new carbon monoxide detectors, oatmeal and hair color, I just haven't had a chance to spend much of it.

With so much crap going on, I was relieved to enjoy a few small victories of late.

Here's the biggie:

I brought Waldo to the vet Tuesday and he discovered an infection in his mouth and some teeth that have to be pulled. He gave him some antibiotics at the office and gave me a syringe to do the rest myself. Uh, yeah. A dropperful of bad-tasting meds in Waldo's mouth? I don't think so. I did manage to give him the meds twice (he's supposed to get them twice a day), but he was so traumatized by it that he began jumping off the bed and hiding under it whenever I walked into to the bedroom. I felt terrible, and I wondered how I'd get him back to the vet for the teeth extraction this Tuesday.

I asked the vet if the meds were something I might put in his food, like I do now with his thyroid medication, and he said no,, it tastes real bad and that he had himself tasted it once. So I dropped the idea then, but after the two terrible episodes giving Waldo his meds, I decided to pick up a can of tuna fish on my way home tonight. I mixed just a half a dropperful of his meds with a liberal amount of tuna juice, and guess what? He lapped it all up, with relish! Success! I got him to lap up the 2nd half of the dropperful with some more tuna juice.

Can't tell you how relieve I am that I don't have to traumatize Waldo anymore!!! Phew. What a relief. I didn't know how much it was stressing me out until he drank that tuna juice.

The next big success, in my book, is that today I was able to order a "scoot" chair for my mother and with their Quick Ship program she should have it by end of next week.

She'll be discharged to Masonicare my town this Monday so she'll just have to go without it for 5 days and hopefully no falls in the meantime.

It cost $1400 but it doesn't matter because the money's coming out of my mother's funds, which in any event will be completely sucked up by the nursing home in the next 10 months. The chair sits very low to the ground and can be inclined quite a bit, making it harder for someone to get up out of the chair from a sitting position. It's not a guarantee she'll never fall again, but it seemed to make a very big difference.

Anyway, this chair is so popular they can't keep it in stock. It's made in Canada. Note to self: Buy their stock. But by going with the vinyl version instead of fabric, they had 2 in stock so I got one of the two. The social worker at Wallingford spoke very highly of it.

The same nurse suggested I look into adjustable height beds, for the same reason, preventing falls, and lo and behold this is one thing Masonicare in my hometown already has, so I don't have to buy one of those.

I was hoping next Wednesday, a paid holiday for me cus it's Veterans Day, would be a day to myself, but I had to schedule doing all the paperwork for the nursing home admission with Kristen there that day. It will just be in the a.m. so hopefully I can relax after that. Relax being a relative term.

The other bit of good news is that the woman at Masonicare assisted living said yes, we can donate my mother's 2nd dresser to them. This will make tomorrow's move so much easier. (We donated the matching other dresser to Maplewood when we moved her out of there. It was my friend Dave's suggestion, and a good one. Those dressers are like 50 years old. They're in great shape and very undated looking becus they have plain maple fronts and no hardware, but I JUST DONT HAVE ROOM FOR THEM. So they're gone. We'll only have to move the twin bed/headboard (I just bought it for mom last May) and I will use bed as a daybed, and a very nice old table my mother used as her dining room table. And the clothes, and the art on the walls.

I NEVER WANT TO MOVE STUFF AGAIN.

I think this time, after the move, Dave and I can actually go out and enjoy some lunch. I do plan on driving out to see my mother in Wallingford later in the day, even though she's coming back here Monday, just becus I haven't seen her since last weekend.

First, I am not trying to be morbid, but if you are younger than me you may not have had the need the make these sorts of arrangements. If you think it may trouble you to read this, please stop now.

At some point, especially if you're a woman, you likely will need to plan for someone's death and maybe, like me, you're wondering how these things really work.

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know my mother's still with us, but post-surgery with the Alzheimer's, she hasn't been doing so well and I guess her marked mental deterioration since Labor Day spurred me to start making some of these arrangements.

I called the local village cemetery in my hometown. If the photo feature on this site was working, I would happily insert photos so you could see just how beautiful this small cemetery is. It's very close to the center of town yet it's off a quiet dirt road. From the road you look upward to see the rising slope of the land and tombstones dating back to 1711 dotting the landscape.

The oldest stones are closest to the road and as you climb the hill, the dates become later and later. There are some beautiful old cedar trees here and there and an old black wrought iron gate. Some of Newtown's best known residents are buried here and the town historian sometimes does tours here.

I have admired this cemetery many times as I passed by on my walks through town. I picked it for my mom because I thought I might like to visit the gravesite from time to time for comfort, and I could almost walk here from my home.

Picking out and paying for the plot took all of 15 minutes. I spoke to the superintendent first on the phone, and we agreed to meet there today on my lunch break. (I'm working from home today. I've done a lot of things on my lunch break, but this is a first.) He was an old geezer and he met me just over the crest of the hill, further from the road.

I parked my car down by an adjacent park and walked up. My first thought was that this was such an old cemetery, and I remembered my mother's early comments when I brought her to live at Maplewood assisted living that everyone there was "so old." I wondered if she might have the same complaint about being buried in a cemetery with graves dating back to pre-Revolutionary times!

The cemetery superintendent rolled out a map of the gravesites. I chose the first site he showed me. He motioned with his hand that there were other plots I could choose from "over there," but honestly, it was all just one big open field and not much to distinguish it from where we stood, except for one thing.

As we stood there, I noticed the name on an adjacent stone of one of the 20 first-graders killed in the mass shooting here in 2012. The superintendent pointed out that there were, in fact, 4 or 5 of those young children buried right there, pretty much surrounding the grave site I had chosen.

Perhaps it would give me mother pleasure to know she was surrounded by little children, I don't know, but this is the site I chose. I signed the paperwork, got some in return and wrote out the check for $1300 ($900 for the plot which can hold 4 cremated remains, plus $400 to open and close the grave) on the gate of his pickup truck. I plan to have my own ashes buried there as well.

And that was pretty much it. I thought I was going to be all teary-eyed and weepy before, during and/or after, but I really just feel a little sad.

As I walked back down the hill toward the road and my car, there was a lovely view of the pond at the park across the street. It was an unusually warm November day and I could have picked a worse day to do this.

I am relieved to have done this and hope to get the tombstone inscribed and placed next. As I understand, you can get everything on the stone except for the final date, and have that done later.

After I deal with the tombstone, I guess I will call the local funeral home to deal with the cremation, funeral service, minister and urn choice.

Love you, mom.

...open enrollment, I mean.

It was easiest to just keep my traditional 80/20 health insurance plan through Cigna. It's just $137 a month for premiums, and another $14 or so for dental. The other choice would been an HSA high deductible plan which philosophically doesn't appeal to me.

I have the opportunity to earn up to $250 in 2016 in gift cards for doing easy wellness things I would do anyway, like get a physical and a mammogram. And new next year, I'll be saving $240 off my monthly premiums for the year just for having gotten a flu shot and a biometric screening.

I also get short-term disability at no charge and I'll continue contributing 25% or so to my Roth 401k. The company has begun matching to the tune of 6% of my paycheck which I think is pretty good.

I really can't complain about this job. The only thing I hate is driving 6 up and back from Boston area each quarter for various meetings. Now I'll have to make that drive alone because I now work with a new team of people.

While on the healthcare front, I received some shocking news today. There was a man probably in his late 50s/early 60s who had done contract work for the bank where I work for probably 6 months or so, and then they let him go when the contract expired. He sat near me. His manager had reason to call him back and that's when he told her he'd just learned he had esophageal cancer and it had spread thru his body. He died a short time later. I was so shocked. We all take our health for granted.

In other news...
The verdict is in. The head of nursing at Masonicare said she thought my mother' s needs would be better met in their skilled nursing area, aka nursing home. I guess they're right. The monthly cost with 2 12-hour shift aides and assisted living rent would have been $22,204 a MONTH. At the nursing home, my costs will be $12,866 a month. So the money will be spent down more slowly, giving me more time to get my Title 19 house in order.

I do plan to try to get Masonicare to pay for a special "scoot" chair they used in their other facility where my mother's been the last 2 weeks. It sits very low to the ground, similar to those chairs you see people use at the beach. It seemed to work well becus it's much harder for someone to get up out of the chair...While my mother fell 3 times in short order upon arriving at this facility, once they put her in the chair, the falls seemed to stop.

Now when I put my mom in their assisted living area, they told me I had a choice, that medicare would pay for either her wheelchair or her walker, but not both. Obviously I let them pay for the wheelchair, which was more expensive than the $120 walker that I paid out of pocket.

Now my mother already had a history of falls at that time, and yet no one suggested to me that I buy a scoot chair instead. If I had known they existed, I would have let medicare pay for the scoot chair instead of the wheelchair becus I believe it is much safer and could keep my mother from fracturing her hip again.

I plan to try to get masonicare to pay for this chair. Imagine it costs $1 or $2,000. But considering they could have suggested I get this, but didn't, and considering I will be forking over $200,000 to them during the course of the next 1.7 years, the least they could do is pay for the scoot chair. Don't you agree?

When I mentioned what a huge hassle the whole experience had been with the agency aides (the 1st one quitting after 1 night and the other barely hanging in there for 3 days), the head of nursing agreed with me and assured me all her needs could be met in-house. Of course, this would be a huge coup for them because they will be getting all the money, not the agency I got the aides from.

Many families I'm sure suck most of the assets out of the estate before the 5-year look back and so the nursing homes don't get always get much money from their patients. In my case they will, because though I tried once to gently talk to my mother about basically giving us her money for this very reason (like she got her mother to do prior to my grandmother going into a nursing home) my mother was reluctant and a little fearful about doing so and I didn't push it. I don't think she could really visualize how all these things might come to pass. I couldn't even really talk to her about because as soon as I mentioned the word "nursing home," she got upset and the conversation went nowhere.

So in a little while I'm calling my friend Dave and hopefully he'll come through for me one more time to help me empty out my mother's room that we just moved her stuff into about 3 weeks ago now. This will be the last and final move. This year as a whole will be one I remember as an exhausting series of moving my mother's stuff, out of the condo, into Maplewood, into Masonicare and then out of Masonicare.

I hope that once we move my mother back and she settles in, and after I finalize burial plans, tombstone inscription, funeral plans and Title 19 paperwork and my mother's taxes, things will finally settle down for real. There is still all the stuff overflowing in my house but that's of somewhat lesser importance. So maybe by late February I can catch a break.

I had a vet appointment scheduled for Waldo this afternoon because his allergies have been super bad. They were bad all summer, but I kept all the windows closed (no AC) for the most part and ran my air purifier nonstop.

But things really didn't improve this fall and I could often see his nose was totally plugged up with snots and I felt his appetite was a little off, probably becus he couldn't smell the food.

I procrastinated a while about bringing him in because it is very hard to get him there. I have to plan out how I will grab him, and I only get one chance. If he squiggles out of my grasp, he'll run and hide for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I DID manage to get him there and I'm glad I did. He got his allergy shot but he also got a shot of antibiotics because the vet said his teeth were bad and he had an infection going which was probably making him pretty uncomfortable. (I couldn't tell from his behavior.)

I have some liquid antibiotics I'm supposed to squirt in his mouth twice a day, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do that, given his extreme cautiousness and timidity.

But I need to get the infection under control because in a week I must return to vet to have a few teeth pulled and to do his bloodwork to make sure his thyroid levels are where they should be. (He's already on meds for that.)

It's going to be real difficult to administer his new liquid meds, and no one can help me do it. He's never let another human near him in the 6 years I've had him. After a few times of me grabbing him, I'm sure he won't trust me, but I have to try.

He was so shook up from the vet visit. Of course, there was a lunging pit bull there when we were. I gave Waldo half my wild sockeye salmon at dinnertime for a treat, and he appreciated it.

In other news, today, I also inquired about rates at the local cemetery and scheduled a visit this Thursday to pick out a spot and pay for it. My mother will be cremated and I plan to pick a full sized plot that could accommodate up to 4 cremated remains. I never thought of making my arrangements for myself, but I might as well go there too. It occurred to me that when my father dies, he could go there too, but how ironic...divorce kept my family separated all these years, but in death we could all be reunited.

Anyway, this is a very picturesque cemetery that I often admired as I walked by on one of my walks. It dates back to the 1600s and is very peaceful.

This is just one of several unpleasant tasks I'm facing. It needs to be done now so I don't have to do it later when my mother passes. I also have to make arrangements with a funeral home. I'll leave that for next week.

Quite frankly, the thought of shooting up someone's veins full of embalming fluid is extremely distasteful to me, and very invasive sounding. Not to mention, what do all those chemicals do in the ground? Also, I never liked seeing the dead body all made up and on display at wakes, and so I don't intend to do that with my mother (or myself). I know it probably helps some people with closure to see the body, but anyway, this is one reason I'm choosing to go with cremation, so there is nothing to see. However, I think it would be a comfort at times to have a place to visit, and I can't bear the thought of either keeping the ashes in my home or having the responsibility of scattering them anywhere, so this is why I am buying the plot for the ashen remains.

Although we are talking about an incinerator here, cremation is generally considered to be more "green" than traditional burial, which is important to me. It's also quite a bit cheaper because you're not paying a funeral director to do their thing nor are you having to buy an expensive casket.

I am so weary of all this stuff and am feeling burnt out, depressed and generally very sad. My mother will probably be discharged end of week or Monday but have to wait i guess til tomorrow to get the word from head of nursing whether my mother could return to assisted living (most likely with the live-in aide or 2 12-hour shift aides) or skilled nursing.

Skilled nursing would be a whole lot easier for me to manage but what i've been saying all along is that as long as i still have funds, i want to do what i think will make my mother most comfortable, and that would be her own room, with her own paintings and furnishings, in assisted living, with its living room-like common room and so on. Much less institutional than the nursing home.

The aides thing for the brief time i had them was of course a huge pain in the ass with the 1 quitting and the other one just barely holding on. If they say okay but you must have the aide/aides, it's going to have to work pretty well. I just can't keep putting out fires or leaving work, even when working from home, on and on.

Although it's so much more expensive, the 2 12-hour shift aides might be better in other ways. I wouldn't have to worry about paying them a separate weekly grocery stipend, or where they'd cook their meals or hang their clothes or their personal stuff in my mother's bathroom because they wouldn't actually be living there like a full 24-hour live-in aide.

I could have greater confidence that the night shift aide would also actually be awake and more capable of dealing with my mother if she was up all night, because at the end of her shift she'd be going home and be relieved by someone else. But what if she left my mother sleeping in her room and got bored and decided to go into the common area/living room to talk with another aide or watch TV and then my mother got up in the middle of the night and fell? How could I even monitor whether that could happen?

I want my life back but have to keep reminding myself that the costs will be so high with assisted living AND the aide or aides that this scenario will only last 10 months or so. So it won't last forever, assuming my mother doesn't have another medical crisis like a fall and fracture.

Right now they're saying at the hospital unit that she's still having periods of delirium, and this could still take time (like weeks or months) to clear. Apparently this is a result of the anesthesia. She also has another UTI, which really does a number on elderly women mentally.

When I visited my mother there last Saturday, we had lunch at a table with a lovely 94-year-old woman. I felt sorry for her. She told me her husband had died 8 years ago and talked about what a wonderful life they had together. He was a college professor at Cornell in Ithaca, NY and they lived on the college campus. She had been living in Mystic, CT, a beautiful town, but she had been brought to this facility where my mother is because they thought she was depressed. She has 3 daughters, in their 60s, but 2 are on the west coast and one in Massachusetts and she never sees them.

I looked at the date I started my original blog here (Wild Blue Yonder) and see that I began in 2006. That's 9 years on Saving Advice. WOW.

Some things just stick, I guess.

I made a rare trip to the mall this morning. I got a replacement garage door opener at Sears to replace the one I got about 8 years ago which suddenly stopped working, even after replacing the battery.

I haven't tried programming the thing yet; maybe I'll wait and ask my friend Dave to do it.

I also hit Aero-whatever the name of that store is and picked up 3 camisoles for my mother at $5 each, a good buy.

I also got some lovely dessert dishes at William Sonoma with a gift card I earned from Citi Thank You Premier card. They were marked down to $9 each and have lovely fruit images on them.

I bought a top at Macy's but forgot to use my Macy's gift card (from the same credit card.

I went to Trader Joe's and got a bunch of groceries, looking in vain for the frozen julienned root vegetables (beets, sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips) but couldn't find them. I LOVED these.

Also filled up the gas tank.

This afternoon I mowed more leaves on the lawn and then swept up a lot of leaves on the driveway. I disturbed a small salamander under the damp leaves on my stone stairs, so I carefully put him near the stone wall in loose mulch and put some leaves over him.

I have been rather obsessively playing Luminosity games. My favorites are the Choo Choo train (attention) and of course the vocabulary games.

I am making a pumpkin bread pudding in the slow cooker now. Hope it turns out good. I wanted to use up some of the stale bread in my freezer cus it was taking up too much space.

Thank you all, for your support.

I'm not in denial that my mother has to die sometime, it's just that I hate having to watch the long, slow decline. Honestly, I'd rather see her go quickly.

There were many times in my life when i did not feel i had a very close relationship with my mother but somehow now that mother/daughter bond is making having to bear witness to this excruciating.

It still surprises me because due to my mother's exceptionally good dietary habits, I ALWAYS thought she would live to be very old, into her 90s. I certainly felt she would outlive her mother, who died at 84 and did not have an especially good diet. And it's possible now my father will outlive her, although he has his own physical frailties and is an ex-smoker.

I need to find better ways to extricate my self from my mother, so I can handle all this stuff better. I'm thinking yoga maybe though in the past I found it boring.

Scary stuff, from American Family Physician:
"One fourth of elderly persons who sustain a hip fracture die within six months of the injury. More than 50 percent of older patients who survive hip fractures are discharged to a nursing home, and nearly one half of these patients are still in a nursing home one year later.18 Hip fracture survivors experience a 10 to 15 percent decrease in life expectancy and a meaningful decline in overall quality of life."

My mother arrived at the geriatric psychiatric hospital unit 2 days ago. Since then, she has fallen twice. She is okay, but what about the next time.

She fell in rehab several times. She fell in the hospital. She fell in assisted living. I've lost track of how many times she's fallen in the past 2 months.

Each time she's been moved to a different place, I've tried to make it crystal clear she is a high fall risk and that they should take care. It does not seem like Masonicare hospital unit was very well briefed by Masonicare rehab/assisted living, because she didn't start out with a belt on her at the hospital unit.

When she fell there on Tuesday, the nurse acted like it was no big deal, saying "she just took a tumble, but she's okay." I felt like strangling her. WHAT ABOUT THE NEXT TIME? Will she be as blase about it when she falls and breaks her hip again??

When I talked to her supervisor, she said they COULD confine her to the chair, unlike the assisted living place, with my permission. I THOUGHT she would be safe after that, but I was wrong.

Finally, tonight, after I lit into the nurse who told me she fell there AGAIN, she spoke to a doctor and they will have a nursing assistant with her overnight, then review her case again tomorrow.

My mother is extremely weak from sitting around for 6 weeks now. And no matter how many times she falls, her dementia will prevent her from understanding how dangerous it is for her to try to get up and walk on her own.

When kept in a wheelchair, she's safe, but sedentary, and none of these facilities have the capacity, it seems, to work with her and give her the kind of daily exercise she needs if she's ever to recover an ability to walk again.

This is how it goes, I've heard, with old people who break a hip. They never truly recover and then it's a long, slow decline after that.

I truly feel it's only a matter of time before she falls again and breaks something, requiring surgery. Then her mind will really be gone.

This is what happens when you put a loved one in any kind of institution, I don't care if it's a hospital, rehab or assisted living. You lose a lot of control over what really happens to them, because the truth is, no one can watch someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They are not staffed to do that with every patient.

I can't take her home to live with me. She's beyond my ability to care for her myself. I was exhausted after just 1 particularly trying hour with the aide when she was delirious. Even if I hired a live-in aide here, I don't think she'd be safe. The only way I could ensure she was safe is if I quit my job and took care of her myself, and possibly not even I could save her from falling again.

The Masonicare people told me yesterday my mom had to go back to the skilled nursing unit (aka, nursing home) because they don't feel then can safely handle her needs, even with 3 "assists" (aides).

That was late yesterday afternoon.

This morning I had a phone meeting with a bunch of them and they are recommending my mother be transferred today to their geriatric medical psychiatric program about an hour's drive from me. They want to do a complete "medical holiday" to try to see what's going on.

I had thought the main reason they wanted to move her out of assisted living was because of her nightitme sleeplessness and agitation. Today they told me it's mainly because she cannot stand or walk without the assistance of 3 people, and to remain in assisted living, you have to be an "assist of one," meaning it requires only one person to help you get around.

The head of nursing had told me earlier she wasn't a fan of Depakote and had seen patients entirely lose their ability to walk. I had protested use of this drug myself several weeks ago but the geriatric psychiatrist talked me into letting them try it. But then they increased the dosage at least two times.

Medicare will cover the cost of my mother's stay at the new facility and she would stay there a week or 2 weeks max, they said. I will keep the assisted living room for at least a week or so to give them a chance to assess what's going on. There's a chance she'll recover enough to return to assisted living. But if not, she'll have to go back to the skilled nursing home, this time on the dementia floor (2nd floor), which is very depressing. (It's in the same wing as the short-term rehab unit, which is where my mother had lived for 4 weeks recovering from her hip surgery up until last Friday when they moved her into assisted living. But she was on the 3rd floor, which is not all dementia patients.)

Because I'm working and used up nearly all my vacation time this year, i probably won't be able to see my mother til Saturday at this new facility, unless I go at night. I'm not very familiar with the area, so I don't know.

I think Masonicare is doing the best they can and it seems like a fairly coordinated approach. It does relieve me that they will stop all meds for now. I'm worried about her but trying not to.

Last summer I appealed a Medicare denial of a bill my mother incurred when she called 911 because she was constipated. This was part of the chain of events that led to me moving her to an assisted living community.

The bill was for the ambulance ride to the hospital, and Medicare denied it because constipation is not a good reason to call 911. So the ambulance company sent me a bill for $665.

In my appeal I showed doctor's notes and diagnoses showing my mother has dementia, and that this was the reason for the ambulance ride, not constipation.

Technically, they were probably correct. I called the ambulance company twice to make sure the bill wouldn't become delinquent while I waited to hear from Medicare. I explained I had appealed it and when i called Medicare to inquire as to status, they said you have to wait 60 days to call and then we can investigate for you.

When I called Medicare back last week, I was so surprised when they told me the bill was fully paid because the ambulance company resubmitted the bill with a revised code.

I have no idea if any of my conversations with EMS caused that to happen or not, but i am eternally grateful. It just seemed like such an enormous amount of money to waste.

The other small miracle happened today. It occurred to me that given my mother's deteriorated mental state and since I know she'll need help bathing, that she really could use a shower seat. Just another expense, I figured. I was driving home today and turned in on my street. My neighbor on the corner had a tag sale the day before and they had a "Free" sign out for the leftovers. I drove by and suddenly noticed a shower seat sitting in the grass, exactly what I wanted! I backed up, got out and picked it up. It seems fine, and it's adjustable!

I just checked Walmart and they're selling them for $52! Wow. That one really dropped in my lap from above.

My mother did not sleep again last night... at all. And it was just awful trying to get her up this morning at noon becus then she was sleepy. The aide is very good and i like her a lot but she's only available for a few days.

I am anticipating the agency tomorrow will tell me I have to pay for 2 people working 12-hour shifts so they are not exhausted by my mother. Right now I'm paying $195 a day on weekdays but with 12-hour shifts paying by the hour I'll be paying $552 a day. It's even higher on weekends and major holidays. So we're talking well over $16,000 a month. The Masonicare rent is another $5350 a month for a grand total of $22,910 a month in costs! That gives me 10 months before the money runs out. There's no doubt I need to start the Title 19 paperwork this weekend.

I got the Medicare statements for all the expenses associated with my mother's surgery. The out of pocket I'll have to pay is only $552, which I don't consider too bad.

If my mother's sleep patterns improved, I could possibly go back to the live-in aide at the lower daily rate, or if her strength and walking improved, I could possibly not have a live-in aide at all. But by the time either of those 2 scenarios happens, I'll have run out of money anyway. It's just an impossible situation. It makes me angry to squander $238,000 in this way but that's health care in America for you.

Unless I get a call from Masonicare about something bad going on, I'm not going over there tomorrow.

I plan to put on my favorite old sweatshirt and run my mower over all the fallen leaves and mulch them. I may try to make one of my favorite recipes, sweet potato chunks with black beans and a cilantro/olive oil dressing.

I surrender to whatever happens with mom. I can't arm wrestle God and expect to have my way. I'm just spent. I've done what I can do, and now it's up to her. This may be the way it has to be. Acceptance comes hard to someone who's used to strong-arming her way through life through force of will and determination.

There's no use putting the proceeds from her condo sale into an Ally online money market account. What's the point in complicating my life now or at tax time? $100,000 will earn $1,000 in interest at 1%, so I have a little more than that in the account. But when you're talking such big monthly expenses, for the aide and the assisted living place, $1,000 is a meaningless number.

What I really need to do is find time for the next dreaded task....prepaying for funeral costs. I plan to go with cremation because I believe it is a greener alternative than burial with toxic embalming fluids in the ground. I know I don't want to keep the ashes; it will be too upsetting and a constant reminder. I guess I will have to do what other people do, spread her ashes somewhere that would be beautiful or meaningful to her. She always loved the ocean.

I need to do some comforting things for myself. I can browse Amazon and decide how to spend some $30+ in gift cards. Soon my $500 worth of other gift cards will arrive in the mail.

I will continue to talk to friends who all offer what support they can, in their own way. I find myself talking to complete and total strangers about what I'm going through because I feel I feed on the support I receive. It's the only thing that keeps me going, honestly, aside from my love and compassion for my mom.

This wasn't supposed to be another blog about mom, but as you can see, it is....

And I'll continue my walks in the woods. I'm not a very religious kind of person, but for me, the woods are my church, the tall trees, my steeples.

2015 will be a year that goes down as the Great Depression for me, not in terms of the economy or the state of my finances, but in terms of what's happened with my mother. I'm losing her by degrees, so while I'm spared the shock of a sudden illness or death, I watch her decline, both mentally and physically, each week or month.

My dad took me out to dinner and movie a week ago, calling it our "date." He doesn't often really know what to say when I tell him stuff, but I think he was trying to give me a break from everything going on. My dad, an only child like my mom, must have gone through similar challenges when he had my 89-year-old grandmother move in with him when she had lung cancer. She didn't want chemo treatments, and so she slowly died, hyped up on morphine and painkillers, to the end.

I wonder if we should all plan an Email Nate and Jeff Day so that if we flood them with requests on that one day to fix the photo capabilities on this site, maybe they will finally do something.

So after interviewing 2 live-in aides for my mom earlier this week, she started yesterday. I showed her around the 3rd floor and where the little kitchen was that she could use to cook her meals and store her food in the fridge.

She was quite insistent that the fridge wouldn't do because it didn't have a lock on it and she was concerned that dementia patients would help themselves to her food. She asked for a fridge in the room in a rather demanding way. Luckily, Masonicare had one and put in the room for her.

I also paid her $60 cash for the first week's food stipend.

I picked this woman because it seemed she knew what to expect. She had lived with an advanced dementia patient for 3 years until she died.

So yesterday I went to Maplewood around 9 a.m. to empty out the closet there, met my friend Dave there at 10 and he and a maintenance guy moved my mother's dresser, bed, a table and chair out into
Dave's van. We donated my mother's 2nd dresser to Maplewood so we wouldn't have to move it.

We brought it all to Masonicare and set everything up. We hung a bunch of art pieces on the walls. The aide arrived at 2 pm and we went over stuff and i introduced her to my mom. I sat with the money person at Masonicare for over an hour to review and sign all the paperwork, and write the check.

Finally, I went home around 5 p.m.

This morning I was back at Masonicare at 9 a.m. because there was a social worker who wanted to meet with me and my mother. As I was walking into the lobby, I saw the aide walking toward me. She said my mother had been up all night and I could see she was upset. I said, tell me more about what happened, but just let me drop this stuff off in my mother's room. (I was carrying extra clothes and Depends.) She kept going in the opposite direction without saying anything and I assumed she was coming back shortly. She never did. And she didn't return the $60 I gave her for food, either.

I only learned she quit by talking to the other aides there. They said she said she didn't feel well, had diabetes and was going to the hospital.

I talked to the agency on the phone, who were profusely apologetic and already looking for a replacement. If there's one cardinal rule, they said, you never walk out on a patient. They said they would make sure I got m y $60 back and told me she was terminated.

One of the agency staff people arrived with the replacement aide at 2 pm, who can only fill in for a few days until a permanent replacement is hopefully found. The fill-in aide seems very nice and there were 2 of us filling her in on the situation, so I hope she knows what to expect. She is an RN.

Apparently the first aide called the agency at 8:30 pm last night and said my mother was agitated and not sleeping. Well, geez, it's 8:30 pm and when i left there around 3 pm the day before, she had put my mother in bed becus my mother did say she wanted to lie down for a while. I don't know if she let my mother sleep for hours or what. But that and the early bedtime could account for part of the problem.

After I learned I would be meeting the new replacement at 2pm today, i saw i had a few hours to kill and decided to stop sitting in my car and crying and made myself do my errands: a dump run and a trip to an organic apple orchard my dad told me about. I got into an extended conversation with the orchardist there who was very nice and sold all his many varieties for just $2 a pound. I bought 7 pounds of apples to take my mind off my troubles.

After leaving Masonicare today round 3, i went for a walk where i usually go and enjoyed the autumn foliage, wishing i had my camera with me.

I kind of feel like giving up. The next step will be, if they can't find an aide who can find ways to deal with my mother's sleepless nights, is to hire 2 12-hour shift aides at an even higher price than I'm paying now, which is around $195 a day, $205 on weekends and close to $300 a day on major holidays. So the money would then run out even faster and put my mother in a nursing home pretty quickly, which I've been trying to forestall for as long as possible. The other option is to put her in the nursing home now and private pay for it til Title 19 picks it up, although that doesn't really get me anything for mom tho it would give me fewer responsibilities.

This is all just too exhausting. While waiting for the replacement aide to show up, I tried spending time with my mother, but i think becus my general stress level was way up and my patience down, my mother was getting agitated, and so i wasn't able to take her outside to enjoy the "fall festival" that was going on. She was talking and making no sense, seeing people who weren't there, and at one point during her in-room breakfast she was trying to eat a latex glove on the table. This all would have shocked me 4 months ago but now it just depresses the heck out of me.

They say that dementia robs you of your loved one by degrees, and that is very true. Each day, each week, each month, you lose a little bit more of them, and somehow you know you'll never get them back.

Everyone at Masonicare seems super nice and supportive, from the Haitian aide on the floor to the nurse, admissions director, the money person and even the maintenance crew. It hit me as I was signing all the paperwork that I should have come here first, but I was seduced by Maplewood. It being a non-profit, I trust them not to gouge me, and she said their board of directors is happy if they break even, but don't require they even turn a profit. Their mission really is to take care of the families of Masons. My German grandfather was a Mason, so I kind of feel a connection there.

Monday was a day off and I spent most of it making phone calls to try to find an agency that could place a live-in aide with my mother on very short notice.

It got complicated because some agencies say their aides are independent contractors while others said they treat them as employees. Although the one agency said i wouldn't have to worry about paying FICA and other taxes, everything i read online said that senior caregivers are usually considered employees, just like nannies or live-in help are. If I can control how they do their job and they can't work elsewhere, they're employees.

Of course the rates for aides who are treated as employees and paid by the agency are higher.

I was on the phone with multiple people at Masonicare too, and got my friend Dave to agree to move the furniture on Friday morning. My mother will be moved in that day at 4 p.m.

Tuesday I went in to work but was still making phone calls at my desk. I wanted to go in to work because this was the one day they were offering free flu shots and biometric screenings and anyone who got those 2 things done gets $20 subtracted from their monthly health insurance premiums.

I worked yesterday and today from home, and between work, I met 2 aides at Masonicare and interviewed them there. Both are Jamaican and from NYC. The one I met yesterday drove up and the car broke down, so instead of meeting me at 2:30 pm she finally made it there at 5. The one I met today missed the train but managed to get here on time.

Last night after work I ran to Maplewood and stuffed my car with stuff, then brought it home. When I met the 2nd aide at Masonicare today, after a morning dentist appointment (I told the dental hygienist this was most definitely going to be the most relaxing part of my day), I also dropped off what I'd picked up at Maplewood last night. Then I raced back home because I didn't tell my boss I was doing this.

Tonight after 5 was a repeat performance: raced to Maplewood, stuffed the car with more stuff, then dropped some of it off at my house and then brought the rest to Masonicare. It's a real pain coming and going from either place because the doors on dementia units are locked, so you either have to use a fob or punch in a special code and it just takes longer.

I've been talking a lot with the two women at the aide agency. I picked the older aide who's a year older than me. Her husband is going back to Grenada but she is staying here. She lived with a dementia woman in her home for 3 years til she died.

The other woman was around 40, but I learned she had 10- and 12-year kids at home with her husband in the Bronx, and while she said it was okay, it seemed to me she would really miss her family and would probably end up making trips back and forth a lot, possibly affecting my mother's continuity of care....although she doesn't have a car. She said she could take a taxi to the grocery store, but it seemed like it would be difficult to live like that.

The other one drives and Masonicare said she could keep her food in the fridge down the hall and cook in the small kitchen there. She can also use their washer/dryer but they won't do her laundry, just my mother's.

The room is going to be a little cramped with the 2 twin beds. I'm moving just 1 of my mother's 2 smaller dressers over from Maplewood, plus her table and 2 chairs. The aide will have her own closet with a shelf above and they'll share the bath. My mother's new wheelchair will take up space, but I'm not bringing all the artsy hobby stuff (sketch pad and colored markers, yarns, the small table loom) because my mother never touched these things and I've come to the conclusion that the Alzheimer's, cruelly, has truly robbed her of ever being able to create art again.

I have concerns about my mother's general nighttime agitation keeping the aide up as the aide is entitled to 8 hours of sleep, along with 3 free hours daily. I'm also to pay the aide a $60 a week food stipend.

This is all going to happen on a wing and a prayer. I have to say that Masonicare did everything on their end in a speedy and efficient manner, although I still haven't' signed the contract and paid because they weren't ready with the paperwork. I'll do that tomorrow. I'll be giving them about $10K to get my mother in the door (that includes 1 month security deposit.

Because they have metal walls over there, I have to get a maintenance guy to help me hang my mother's art. There's not quite as much as she had at Maplewood, but she still has a lot. I feel it's important to have a lot of her art there.

I saw my mother briefly tonight around 7 as i made one attempt to locate her Maplewood key. She could have had it on her wrist when they brought her to the hospital, but it wasn't with her returned items and I searched her old room at Maplewood everywhere. If you don't return a key (I have one myself) they charge you $250.)

I can try to find where in the hospital my mother stayed...this is going back 5 weeks ago now....but i would assume that if they had the key they would have contacted me by now.

The only other possibility is that the staff at maplewood removed the key from her wrist before the ambulance took her away. I would just make a copy of my key, but it says on it Do Not Duplicate and I assume most hardware stores would honor that.

I'm pretty tired, and tomorrow's going to be the longest day of all, and it will mirror the day in May that I brought my mother to Maplewood. Will go to Maplewood around 9 a.m. to empty out her closet and put in my car; Dave will meet me there with his van at 10 a.m. and then we'll bring the furniture out. We'll drop the 1 dresser at my house and then bring the rest of the stuff to her new place at Masonicare.

I'll have to sign the paperwork and write the check around noon. My friend Dave will probably then take off. The new aide arrives at 2 p.m. and my mother will be moved in at 4 p.m. To help mom acclimate, I'll probably stay for dinner with the aide.

Saturday they're having some sort of fall festival around mid-day and was planning on taking my mother to that anyway, so maybe do it with or without the aide, I haven't decided.

Sunday will be my own time and back to my regular work week next week.

My new boss has been asking me to let them know when a good time for me to visit for the day up in Boston area is and I'll have to do it at some point, although it's exhausting and I hate having to do it...a very long day.

She knows what's going on with my mother so I get a reprieve for now but can't put them off forever.

I redeemed my $500 in gift cards from Citi Thank You Premier and got cards for all the stores I usually shop at: Lowe's, Macy's, Walmart, Home Goods.