Save More, Spend Less

For as long as I've been blogging here (since 2008), I've talked a lot about early retirement. I reckon I was plotting my early retirement when I was 6 years old.

While I've been fortunate to have many writing jobs that I found interesting and stimulating, many things lose their luster after you've been doing it for 34 years. Especially when you cannot follow the beat of your own drummer but must do things according to the very specific instruction of the company issuing your paychecks.

It's not so much the writing I'm talking about as I am the general hierarchical structure of the workplace, inflexible work hours, the personality conflicts, the efforts one must make to be a "team player," get along or get out.

A sidenote on onerous policies: Last year my employer announced a new policy requiring employees to give 30 days notice if they decide to leave the job. Mind you, if you are terminated, you're out that day, but they now want 4 weeks notice, not 2. Hey, if I found a new job, I doubt most prospective new employers would be crazy about waiting 4 weeks for me to show up.

In any case, I called my state's Dept. of Labor today to find out if this policy is enforceable, as they say in writing you are "required...."

As I suspected, it is NOT enforceable, but as far as whether they could get away with withholding severance, for example, if I failed to give the required 4 weeks notice, the DOL spokesperson said they'd have to look into that after I filed a complaint. Perhaps worth testing just to push back against infringement on employee rights, something I feel very strongly about.

Getting back to my topic.....After my mother passed this past December, I've been struck by a growing certainty that there are more important things to do than helping the bank sell more student loans or money market accounts. Along with that feeling is the sense that my time here on earth is fleeting.

I am wanting to make changes. (They tell us in bereavement support group not to make any major life changes within 6 months of your loved one's passing.)

Now while I failed to meet the 1st year of my Retirement Countdown savings goals through my own efforts (see profile, bottom left), I was able to exceed my 1st year goal in the end after receiving about half of an unexpected inheritance from my mother. The other half is still in probate.

Mom was always most concerned with my happiness in the job, not the paycheck, so it almost feels like this was my mother's final, departing gift to me, the chance for true freedom. (Even when she had progressively worsening dementia, I remember her words to me at the nursing home: "But are you happy?")

If you read my profile at left, you see I've mapped out a path toward early retirement (at age 60) in just 3.5 more years.

However, I often conveniently overlook one obstacle that has always been something of an unknown, otherwise known as healthcare expenses.

Specifically, my MS drug. I think when I started taking it in 2000, its retail cost was about $1200 a month. Bad enough, right? Now the drug company, Teva Neuroscience, has jacked up its prices to make up for everything it spent on R&D, and it recently lost its right to exclusively market it. There's a generic equivalent on the market now, but only for the daily injections. I moved to the 3 times a week injections about a year ago and I REALLY would not want to return to daily injections. Can you blame me?

When it comes to healthcare, there are so many unknowns. If, worst case scenario, there is no Obamacare in 3.5 years when I want to retire, who knows how I will purchase health insurance for 5 years until I'm eligible for Medicare? It could be a very expensive, if impossible, proposition for someone who needs a very expensive medication.

Assuming Obamacare still exists, in some form, I have found the Obamacare plans are still more expensive than what I'm paying now with a private plan offered by my employer. It will probably always be like that.

It occurred to me that perhaps the new generic version of the drug might offer more affordable options for me when I'm ready to retire. I called them this morning to find out if they have plans to develop the 3x a week formulation, and she didn't know. I asked about a price comparison, and she didn't know that either, as it varies depending on the plan.

So while my returns to date from my 401k are something like -4%, due to lousy stock market performance, I am at least now on track to meet my goal of over $1 million by age 60. Whether $1 million is actually enough to live on for 30 years or so, I don't know. I don't want to have to scrimp and go without as a senior, because I've often had to do that as a much younger person! I am hoping that with the addition of Social Security benefits (another big unknown, right?) that will see me through.

Like many new retirees, I think my expenses will be higher in the first 10 years if I indulge a strong desire to travel, while I still can. I could see expenses moderating a lot as I got into my 70s, but they could ramp up again in my 80s, if not sooner, due to healthcare costs should I develop medical issues.

If I, someone closing in on their $1 million in savings goal, am having doubts and worries about their financial future, what must so many others feel who have considerably less in savings? I hate to turn this into a political statement, but all this uncertainty about how I will pay for future healthcare costs with a chronic health condition puts me decisively in the Hillary/Bernie camp. I would vote for either one although I lean more strongly toward Bernie, as he is less establishment.

This is an annual thing. I got $2,960 as the company match; part of that is fully vested while a smaller portion doesn't vest til I've been with the company 3 years, not counting my 1st 8 months as a contractor. So I think I have 1 more year to go for full vesting.

Nicely, it bumped my 401k savings to over $42,000 which I've accumulated, in just 1.5 years. Being a Roth 401k, I will have tax-free withdrawals.

When I start withdrawing from IRAs in retirement, I plan to draw first from traditional IRA money and then "topping off" with extra money from the tax-free Roth to avoid bumping myself into the next higher tax bracket with too much taxable income.

For example, based on this year's tax brackets, I'd like to stay wholly in the 15% tax bracket, which maxes out at $37,450. Knowing that my total annual expenses usually come out at around the $40,000 level, I'll withdrawal $37,450 from traditional IRAs and then withdraw another $2,550 from Roth IRA accounts. So having savings in both traditional and Roth IRA/401ks gives me the flexibility to minimize my income taxes without "minimizing" my lifestyle.

I hope Dido is right when she says the time left at this job (I need to stay another 3.5 years) will go by quickly.

If you look at the top of my sidebar at left, you see 3 resolutions for 2016. They remain unchanged from 2015.

In 2015, I accomplished exactly ZERO of my #2 goal. I want to broaden my social horizons and pursue my personal interests more than in the past.

I'm happy to say that already in 2016, I've done much better. I've done 3 Saturday morning yoga classes, 2 bereavement support group meetings, walked once with an all-woman hiking group and attended 3 other library programs on songbirds, rabbits and Charlotte Bronte. I was hoping to go to an historical society meeting tonight, but didn't. It's so much easier to go to events when they happen on a day I'm already working from home, so I'm well rested and can leisurely plan my dinner, feed the cats, etc before heading out the door.

My mason is ready to start work on my driveway but the forecast calls for a lot of rain right through March 23, and it sounds like he wants to wait til they can do it in 4 straight days. I'll have to be patient.

I am close to wrapping up season 1 of The Good Wife; i enjoy being able to watch as many episodes as I want at a time.

I continue to make progress on my yarn sales, which I've been doing now for about 8 months! It's almost become like a little hobby which I do whenever I have free time. I'm down now to the unlabeled "mystery" yarn cones, but I've had to really make them dirt cheap to get people to buy since most people prefer to know what they're buying and they also prefer natural fibers like wool and cotton to the synthetics like rayon or poly.

But anyway, the important thing is to get SOMETHING for them. I think I have just 75 cones left and maybe 5o skeins of assorted yarns. Psychologically, I just feel I need to sell most of these before really getting serious about selling the art.

Although I did drop off some more small works at the gift shop Sunday. She liked the 2 mini tapestries I sent her jpgs of but since i was making the trip, i brought another 10 items I thought would do well in her shop, and out of those, she kept about 7.

I had a very nice dinner with my dad on Saturday night. The tab came to um, $96, as we both had wine and my dad had a $29 tuna. Dad always pays, although I often offer to help. He has a nice pension from his many years as a teacher and from all accounts if pretty comfortable, so I must admit he has treated me to many a nice meal.

He came back Sunday morning to take a load of bricks that were just taking up space in my garage. NOt sure he has any plans for them, but I've noticed he's a bit of a hoarder and will rarely turn down anything! So unlike me. He was asking me about magnifying glasses, do they come in different strengths. I see Staples has a pretty good selection of illuminated desk magnifying lamps which sound great, altho i have to find out how he wants to use it.

As I headed out to yoga class at 8:40 am, I saw my neighbor had arrived with his chainsaw. I called out to him but he didn't hear me over the sound of it rumbling in his hand as he walked down to the giant felled white pine.

So I raced onward to yoga and returned an hour later to find him still there. I got to talking with him and realized I was late for bereavement support group, so I raced again to the church where it takes place about a half hour south.

I walked in just as they were saying the Lord's Prayer, which is how they start each session. I get something out of the group (misery loves company?) but it's such an emotionally exhausting 2 hours (tissue boxes are strategically placed everywhere) and I just wanted to go lie down when I got back home, which i did for about 10 minutes, but then I heard the revving of the chainsaw and knew my neighbor had returned as he promised.

I felt obliged to help him, which I did, and I had him cut off some cracked limbs of the huge burning bush which had taken the brunt of the crashing white pine trunk.

I paid him quite a bit for his time, $160 for about 3.25 hours' work but he's done me many favors in the past 15 years and they could use the money. This time he thanked me for the money and didn't give me a hard time.

In between all this I kept missing phone calls from my mother's neighbors, who we (dad and me) were supposed to go out to dinner with. He had told me last weekend he'd call me this afternoon when his wife got back from doggy daycare.

He remembered it differently, and said he meant for us to go out to lunch, not dinner, and that when they didn't hear from me, they went out themselves.

I left him 2 messages but he never seems to answer the phone, and I missed his calls as well.

It's just as well, I'm so over extended today. So I called dad to tell him we weren't going, and we agreed the 2 of us would go out for dinner somewhere anyway, so he's coming over here at 5.

Before the last call to mom's neighbor, i ran out to local gallery to pick up a piece of art I had framed, and becus they knew mom well, we got into an extended conversation. During our talk, I felt something itchy on my stomach and I started thinking TICKS. I pulled something off my stomach and looked at it between my fingers and yes it was a live, squirming tick, which I put outside.

When I got home I called my neighbor and advised him to do a tick check, put his clothes in the dryer and take a shower. I doubt he'll take my advice.

At some point this weekend my mason will stop by to inspect the driveway, now with all the asphalt pulled up, to see what they have to work with and to give me a start date. The sooner the better because I'm walking and driving in dirt, basically, and tracking it everywhere.

Here's what it looks like now:


On tomorrow's agenda is a drive up to a different gallery one half hour north to drop off a few more small works since she actually sold a few. I want to vacuum my car and I'm meeting a woman i met on facebook to sell her some swiffer dry cloths which were my mother's but i don't use.

And I hope to do some further tree cleanup as there are still many smaller branches on the lawn which I can rake. This time I'll spray my booths with tick spray and be extra vigilant.

Unexpectedly, the driveway paver's crew has arrived. They weren't supposed to be here til tomorrow at the earliest, but I got a call from the lost crew searching on the street for my house. The house numbers are all out of order so I had to guide him here as I watched out the window.

I moved my car and they already started digging up at the bottom of the drive where it meets the road, with a small backhoe. Looks like 2 huge dump trucks parked on the road for all the debris.

It's kind of a bad spot as I live at a very sharp curve in the road, so if people were speeding around the curve, they won't see til last minute that they need to go into 1 lane with all the trucks parked there. I hope they finish before a passing cop notices.

I'm just a little nervous about their pulling up asphalt near the garage and stone walls without damaging either.

This is just phase one of having my driveway redone with part asphalt, part pavers. The crew look like they're from Louisiana or someplace. Hopefully the guy I dealt with will show up soon.

I am totally distracted now. I'll be glad when the Macedonian masons are here to do top 2/3 of the driveway. Where they will repave, the slope, there's less chance of anything getting damaged besides the lawn.

Today was another trip up to Boston for a certain office meeting; for the life of me I don't know why this couldn't have been done over the phone (most of it didn't concern me or my work anyway) but i guess they figured since we agreed I'd be up there on a quarterly basis that I may as well go up.

I planned to be up there by 10 a.m. I THOUGHT I set my alarm clock for 6 a.m., when I was actually awake, but it didn't go off and in my half-awake state I looked at the clock and said to myself, you still have 20 minutes til you have to get up. Thinking I was getting up at my usual time, 6:30 a.m.

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night and felt like I was mostly awake all night. This nearly always happens when I have a big trip like this.

Anyway, I got a late start and hit traffic first in Waterbury, then in the Hartford area, and of course as I approached the Boston area.

I brought in some chocolates for everyone in my team (6 people) and some friends I made when I reported to a different area. I left some cute chocolate tulips and a book on Alzheimers caregivers for one of my other friends there whose mother has the disease. I was given this book by the Alzheimers Assn and I figure I don't need it anymore so instead of donating to the library book drive, I gave it to her, though she was out sick today and will find it tomorrow if she comes in.

I actually had 4 meetings today stretching from 11 a.m. through 2:30 pm. I had just about a half hour before the last meeting so I ran over to Whole Foods for lunch, and by the time I got thru the line, i had barely enough time to wolf down the food in my car, just to have some privacy. This was the only time I got to spend in the beautiful 70 degree weather.

I have to say I feel very much out of my element when I go up there, and mainly due to the minimal face time, I don't feel I've "bonded" with them. I don't feel I know them very well. Of the 6, it's the contractor who has seemed the friendliest to me.

I was able to leave around 3:30 pm. I guess my new boss took pity on me after I described the odyssey which is this car ride and how exhausting it is. It occurred to me on the ride up that I should really update my will as I want it to be, in case I get in an accident on one of these trips.My normal commute and the rest of my routine seems pretty tame, but this 3-hour trip up there always involves crazy drivers on your bumpers, people who weave in and out of lanes unexpectedly and all the other stuff you'd expect when there's more traffic than the roads can handle.

It was much nicer being able to drive in the daylight, but then sun glare was an issue and there were cops pulling over motorists all along the way.

But I am so wiped, as I knew I would be.

I think all the time about quitting or walking away from this job, but it would be rather foolish since the pay is pretty good, I get to work work 2 days home each week and I only have a few more years to go. But I am so not into this job, and these feelings really started after my mother died, which was about the same time when they told me I'd be working with a new team and a new boss and doing about 30% more work than I had been.

Tomorrow is a work at home day although I do have a 10 a.m. gyno appointment and after this year, she is retiring. It will be a big yuck factor finding a new (preferably female) gynecologist after so many years with this one.

I managed to sell a few more yarns and I have 6 yarn cones to pack up tonight, but I'm so pooped I may just leave this for tomorrow and ship it next day.

This means I can make 6 more "Xs" in my 2016 declutter grid. It's a simple chart but I find it works, in that I am using it. The 2016 grid has 2016 little boxes, organized by month. Each time you declutter...either by trashing, recycling, gifting or selling...you mark an X in one of the boxes. That's it! I started doing this in February, I think, so I am behind on my Xs but when I sell 6 yarn cones as just mentioned, I can play catch up with the grid.

It's a helpful reminder that yes, I HAVE been decluttering over time, albeit slowly.

Today has been rather busy since I slouched a bit yesterday. Since I'm going to Boston this week, I wanted to fill up the gas tank, so I did that. Then I went to Kohl's to use my 30% off and $5 off coupons and while I often have trouble finding clothes I like there (I do much better at Macy's) I finally landed on a navy blue knit top which I could see myself wearing at the office.

From there I went to Stop & Shop, then home.

Although I haven't yet heard from my driveway paver, the mason told me he had talked to him and that the paver guy plans to rip up my driveway on Wednesday. Which means that my plan to dispose of the hefty pile of mulch that over-wintered in the driveway in a leisurely fashion won't work. I counted 8 times that I shoveled the wheelbarrow full and trudged around to different perennial beds to dump and spread the mulch. Tiring.

Then I realized I had about 100 bricks stacked in the driveway and that they need to be moved somewhere. I had hoped to sell them last year and while i had some nibbles, there they still sat. So i used the wheelbarrow again to cart the bricks to the garage where I neatly stacked them against the wall. Probably another 12 trips back and forth with a heavy load. My arms and back are tired.

I also swept up some leaves that had collected in the corners of the driveway, a silly thing to do when it's all going to be ripped up with a backhoe anyway, but i'm the kind of person who would "clean" before having a housekeeper come over.

I also hosed and sponged off all the salt off my car (again). I have a load of laundry going.

The only thing left to do with the driveway before paver guy comes is to try to dig up a large bed of lavender phlox that over the years has spread onto the edge of the driveway, looking lovely. It's going to really be warming up this week so I'll try to do it Monday or maybe Tuesday since I'll be home and could try to do it on my lunch break.

I'm 3/4 of the way through the book Brooklyn. It's okay, although I don't feel it's as fantastic as all the reviews said. It's a fairly simple story line and I suspect I might enjoy the movie more.

I hope I'm happy with the paver driveway. I liked the look of the cobblestone-like stones much better (more irregular and realistic looking) but of course they cost quite a bit more than manufactured pavers. Still, I think the pavers will be much better than the ugly asphalt. They'll do the large circle in front of the garage and a border all around.

It was a pretty good, unhurried Saturday.

Showed up at yoga class at 9 a.m. Fortunately, I wasn't nearly as sore as I was after my first session a week ago. Not really sure I'm doing all the poses correctly since there are probably too many people (about 15) for them to walk around and correct us.

My stone mason's wife landed in the hospital, and he with her, so my dad and I drove to the stone yard by ourselves so I could pick out driveway paver colors.

After that, I was going to take my dad to lunch at an interesting sounding Hungarian neighborhood restaurant that got good reviews, but when we found it, it looked so dumpy from the outside that we decided to skip it and we went elsewhere.

I'm a little worried about my dad. He told me they found blood in his urine and did an unpleasant procedure with a tube up the urethra looking for cancer. I'm assuming they ruled out less serious conditions like kidney stones, a UTI or certain meds like aspirin, but I don't know. So now i have something new to worry about.

After looking at stone at the mason's for a while (my dad was also looking for thin pavers to build some veggie raised beds at my sister's), and then lunch, we said goodbye and I mostly spent the rest of the afternoon reading the book Brooklyn, so I'll have it done in time to participate in the book club.

My mason called me back later and said the asphalt guy said he wanted to start work on pulling up my driveway this Wednesday. Then I can drive and park on it for a few days or a week to help compact it; at some point after that, the masons will go in and lay the pavers and after that, asphalt guy will repave the slope/lower end.

I was a little surprised they want to start the work so soon and I am a little concerned about the asphalt being able to cure/dry properly. Although it will be in the 40s in the next few weeks (even 50s this coming week), it will still be dropping below freezing at night. So I'll have to ask him about that.

I saw a critter in my yard yesterday around 7:30 a.m. At first I thought it was an immature coyote, but later I wondered if it was a fox.

Thing is, I have seen coyotes, red foxes and gray foxes in my yard before, and they are mostly a solid color.

This animal was mottled gray and white with a small amount of brown in its muzzle. It had a long snout and thin legs.

It trotted through the backyard and then paused for a moment in the brushy shelter of my yard perimeter as it gazed upon the large expanse of my neighbor's lawn. It decided to backtrack and this time went around the other side of my house toward the front yard and paused again to scratch under a large white pine. Then it continued down toward the brushy undergrowth near the road, where I lost sight of it.

Today would have been my mother's 82nd birthday. I took my lunch break, bought some flowers and went to the cemetery with them. It made me sad to do this (and I will do it again on Mother's Day, to be sure) but I had a thought that most likely no one else will visit her grave. So I do feel duty-bound to do so.

I approached another gallery where my mother had shown a lot of work, to see if they' be interested in exhibiting her work again, but they turned me down, mainly becus they are no longer doing shows as they're somewhat costly, they have little room and they don't find most people come into a frame shop looking for art.

It's okay...I have 3 shows with the Richter Center this year (the non-juried show, the in memoriam show and the solo show), and I got the go-ahead from another gallery to bring a few more small items after some others sold.

I have another business trip scheduled next week for Massachusetts. There and back in a day. Hate it, but it's only once a quarter, and this time I don't have a full day of meetings scheduled (only 3) so I won't have to leave here til 7 a.m. and I can head home hopefully by 3-4 pm.

Probate progress: Once I filed the inventory of assets, the probate court automatically placed legal notices in my local hometown paper. I only knew they had done that becus I got a bill from the paper, which I paid.

Now, today, I got a bill from a 2nd paper, although this time they didn't provide a tear sheet. I had to call them becus if you're gonna send a bill to someone for an ad they didn't place, you should really send a tear sheet as proof. Now I'm wondering just how many papers the court placed legal notices in. I hope that's the last one.

Anyway, the date of the legal notice in the paper starts the clock ticking on a 5-month period during which time I wait for any further creditors to send me final bills. I'm fairly sure I still need to pay 3 creditors for medical bills, including the local hospital, as well as the accountant who is now in process of preparing the CT estate tax return, along with regular IRS and CT tax returns.

After the 5 month period is up in July, I can then file the next document with the court listing all those creditors I paid. I believe they will then compare the earlier inventory of assets I filed, showing mom's total assets, subtract the total I paid creditors, and make sure that's what I claim I have left to distribute to heirs.

Now it requires an extra step to delete the long horizontal ads at bottom. This is how they're monetizing the site.

Last night we had a terrible (and totally unexpected to me)storm. It was driving rain and high winds, even a thunderstorm. It was the storm that brought all the tornadoes to the south.

Even though they said CT would be marginally affected, I have some storm damage now. I THOUGHT i heard something crash down last night, but in the pitch black I couldn't see anything. The power flickered several times, but stayed on, and I saw nothing on the lawn.

This was the view from my front door a few years ago (sunrise):



It was a large white pine that stood with others along the roadside. One of its two main trunks had been taken down in a prior storm when my neighbor's tree across the street crashed into it. Last night, the one remaining trunk came down and it managed to avoid hitting the power lines, which are directly under these trees, and it also fell in such a way that it only hit my huge burning bush.

Here's the view now:



Kind of like looking at someone who's lost a front tooth.


I know this doesn't look like much, but it's a pretty big tree trunk, probably 18" plus in diameter.



I could see by walking around the huge burning bush that it took some damage by limbs broken under the weight of the white pine.

My neighbors behind me are just getting by, financially. He was laid off from a very high paying job a few years ago and is now driving a school bus.

He doesn't sound thrilled with it. He said the kids are always screaming and carrying on, once there was a fight on the bus and there are so many narrow back roads in town that you can get lost, or get stuck on a narrow cul de sac with no room to turn around.

So I called to see if he'd want to cut the tree up for me and I'd pay him $50/hr. I would think there's a good 4 hours of work there. I just wanted to try to help them; they've been so helpful to me over the years. He said yes, probably next week.

A woman from a local arts group in my mother's town called me back after I'd asked last week if I could exhibit some of my mother's work in their upcoming non-juried spring show with the theme of "flowers."

They had already told me yes, but i was just trying to get more details, like when the drop-off date is. I also knew I'd need to become a member ($30).

I was so taken by surprise when the woman who called back said that while they don't allow the work of a deceased person to be entered in a juried show (they have 1 juried show this spring, and 1 in the fall), she invited me to do a solo show of my mother's work this fall. A solo show is kind of special.

Not only that, but the board decided that the big juried show this fall would be dedicated to my mother's memory, and while I couldn't have my mother's work actually entered in that show, she said I could select 1 to 3 pieces to hang in the front lobby, with her bio, and it would also go in their program.

My mother was very well known at this group. I was so blown away, and touched. Of course I started getting choked up. I so wish she was here to enjoy this and I can only hope that somehow, she can.

I think this is one of those groups that might not get a lot of people from the general public coming in to see their shows. I don't really know, but am just guessing that. Especially with a non-juried show, you can safely assume the caliber of the work will be somewhat less than a juried show. So i rather doubt i will sell my mother's work in either of the 2 shows they've invited me to enter, but I'm still going to do it anyway, becus mom would be so happy to do it if she were alive. And I don't want her, or her work, to be forgotten, as I've said before.

I remember how much work the 31-piece show at the spa was last October, so in the solo show this fall, I won't have that many. I may also have to enlist someone with a vehicle to transport larger pieces that won't fit in my Honda.

Anyway, I'm very excited and it's something to look forward to. It's really lifted my spirits. As a writer, I will offer to do the PR for the shows.

I really do feel like I'm walking in my mother's footprints, going where she's gone before, meeting so many people, mostly for the first time, who knew her and were a part of her life. It's a strange sensation because by meeting these people, I learn a little more about my mother that I never knew before.

There was a definite hint of spring in the air today. I believe we had a high of 50 degrees, so although I was feeling a little lazy after a busy morning, I made myself take an hour-long walk on the town walking trails, and evidently so many others were feeling I did. The dog walkers were out, the moms with their strollers and the families on wheels. I met an amazing white bulldog.

I started off my day at my mother's bank. Yesterday I finally received written confirmation from the probate court that I am indeed approved as executor. It took about 50 days just for this first step.

So I brought all the paperwork to the bank, in need of 2 things:

a) to have them close out my mother's 2 checking accounts and open 1 "estate" account. I will still be able to write a few remaining checks for medical bills on this account. The nice woman at the bank printed out 8 checks for me so I didn't have to spend another $30 or so on hundreds of checks I would never use. Actually, we left about $10 in 1 of the 2 accounts so the sole check that hasn't yet cleared (I wrote it today without thinking, a $5 fee to the probate court) will clear without bouncing. Once it clears, then I'll close out that account too.

b) To fill out the next form for probate, an inventory of assets, I needed to get from the bank the exact balance in both those checking accounts on the date of death. Now I can complete and return this form on Monday.

After the bank, I stopped at the health pet food store, a local family-owned shop that actually has slightly cheaper prices on all the premium cat/dog food brands than the larger national franchises. Not sure how they accomplish that, but I'm happy to give my business to a local family.

After that I went to the Rug Works store to pick up the small oriental (Pakistani) rug I'd brought in for repair about a week ago. I was happy with the results. It's very clean now (!) and the new fringe is full and fluffy....makes it look like a new rug.

After that, let's see..oh, I wanted to get rid of another gift card taking up real estate in my wallet, earned a few months ago from one of my points rewards cards, so my mission was to spend about $66 at Home Goods.

It actually was hard to find things to buy. I feel like I have everything I need/want. However, I made a yeoman's effort and came away happily with some pretty blue ceramic pottery, some Easter-themed with a little bunny, from Portugal and, because I really was searching for something I could use, some gourmet-type food, including some yummy pesto sauce from Italy, honey from Germany and some hemp seeds. Everything was so reasonably priced, although they have way too much stuff Made in China.

After that it was lunch time so I treated myself to a 3 veggie side sampler at Boston Market. After that I think I went home to relax for about an hour and feed the cats, and then I headed out again to the local library to hear a professor from Yale lecture on the Bronte sisters. This was the 1st of 3 lectures, one on each sister, and this was one I wanted to catch because Jane Eyre was one of those seminal novels I read when I was very young and it stuck with me for many years. I was amazed to hear him interpret the whole novel, based in the context of Victorian culture, and all the symbolism which supposedly contains references to feminism, the "hysterical" which was what they called women who didn't really fit in, the classic Victorian plot (tough times followed by a happy ending), etc. It was pretty interesting and there was a full house, maybe about 50 people, attending.

The next talk will be on Wuthering Heights, which I never read. Is it worth it?

While at the library I checked out 3 books but I have to read them fast; one of them was from the "new book" section and so i technically only have 2 weeks to read a pretty thick book. Another book is a book club selection so if I want to attend the discussion, I've got about 3 weeks for that one.

The 1st book is called Black Earth: The Holocaust as History and Warning. I have often thought that too many people seem to forget the Holocaust, and the lessons we should learn from it, and in this book the author talks about how the early 21st century is coming to resemble the early 20th century, when Hitler rose to power. Growing preoccupations with food and water, ideological challenges to global order. This is the new book.

The book club book is called Brooklyn and I assume it's going to be good because it's a book club selection.

The 3rd book is one that I picked up while attending the Bronte lecture; it's called Becoming Jane Eyre and it's about the 3 sisters, all writers, and is historical fiction.

Looking forward to an equally productive Sunday. I hope to wash my car and trim a large viburnum tree that's growing too close to my driveway. As well as make a big pot of vegan chili.

This day made me feel like I am reclaiming my life (time) a little. I guess I hadn't realized how much my mother's illness had consumed my time. The last 6 months especially were a real blur, I mean, it was like driving in a car with the windows down, without my glasses at 70 mph. Scary, really scary.

But even before that, my free time revolved around checking in on her every weekend and making sure there were no unpaid bills, and trying to do some fun things with her too. Now I am so glad that I did on occasion do those fun things with her, and I wish I'd done more.

But today I felt an inkling of "freedom," freedom to do whatever I want. It feels exciting. There's nothing like the death of someone close to you to give new (real) meaning to the oft-heard expression, Time is short. It has stirred some thoughts in me about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and a sense of urgency to start doing those things NOW, even though, of course, I've heard "time is short" dozens of times. But I never took it to heart the way I do now.

I'm certainly not over grieving, I can tell you that. And there again, I had no idea pre-December 28 that the grieving process could take many months or years. You really don't get it til it happens to you. And when I was browsing in Home Goods, I started feeling sad looking at all these pretty little Easter dishes because I won't have my mom this Easter and my mom was the one I sometimes bought these things for, and now I can't do that. By the time I had grabbed my lunch at Boston Market, I had begun to cry again, and so I sat there in m y car with the tears running down my cheeks and my mashed potatoes getting cold because I was too upset to eat. Ugh.

Mom's birthday is coming up in early March. That's going to be a very tough day. I guess I'll continue to teeter between the possibilities within my new-found time and a continued sense of profound loss.

This is one of those posts where i really don't have much to talk about but want to anyway...

Working at home today; was able to pack up and ship two Facebook orders for my mother's yarns this morning, netting me about $25 and that much less "stuff" in my dining room.

Had a briefish phone call with someone at work who needed to make some edits to a case study I'd written. As usual, when there's someone not accustomed to working with a writer with revisions, they make it sound worse than it actually was. He made some changes, but nothing radical. However I did need to spend more time on it since he's not a writer (but he has the product knowledge/experience I lack as a relative newcomer to the bank).

I have another similar scenario coming up tomorrow where 5 of us need to meet to discuss one person's "concerns" about something else

My latest reading material was delivered by Amazon today. "Proteinaholic, How Our Obsession with Meat is Killing Us."

Amazon once again made good on their customer service ranking, #1 in my mind. On Tuesday I had ordered a yoga mat at Amazon; I wanted it by Saturday so I could use it at a yoga class that has begun at the town hall. Becus I'm a Prime member, I was counting on them to deliver it in 2 days time, by Thursday, but as soon as I ordered it the note said I wouldn't get it til Monday. This was annoying, since if I knew they wouldn't be able to meet their 2-day promise, I would have just gone and purchased a mat from someplace local, like Sports Authority.

So I called Amazon and calmly explained the situation. At first she said all she could do is issue a refund or a replacement. The latter wouldn't do anything for me since I haven't received the yoga mat yet and it's not an issue of it being defective. After I then reiterated my position, she offered me a refund without canceling the order, so this I happily accepted. The 2-day shipping is 1 of 2 big reasons (the other is Prime TV) I was willing to spend the $100 for membership, and in fact it's up for renewal in a week.

In the meantime, though, I have to figure out what to do without the mat at the first yoga class on Saturday. Obviously I don't want to buy a 2nd yoga mat but I need something to sit on. All I have is a small bamboo bath mat which won't offer much cushioning, or a 3 foot square carpet I use in the bathroom; might look a little silly when everyone else has regular yoga mats.

I'm doing the 1st of 2 loads of laundry. This is why I love working at home. I can get personal stuff done without it really interfering with my work.

I felt so good about the results after I got down on my knees to clean every square inch of my kitchen floor that I might try to do the same elsewhere, one room at a time. Most of the rooms actually have too much of my mother's stuff in them to easily do that, but I think I can probably try the dining room next. Somehow a vacuum doesn't really get all the dust, even without rugs on the wood floor.

The newsletter editor for a local arts group my mother belonged to sent me this month's newsletter because it contained news on my mother's passing. I thanked her for it but also in reading it I noticed they have a spring art show coming up in early April with the theme of "flowers." My mother did some gorgeous flower pieces so I'm hoping I can enter 2 pieces for mom. She would be so pleased to see me continue to keep her work, and her memory, alive, and it would be nice to sell a few pieces.



(As you may remember, I did a 31-piece solo show for mom with the help of a local art curator who arranged the exhibit at a local health spa. That was while my mom was still alive, but she was in rehab at that point. I remember hoping she would be well enough to see it in person but the show ended Oct. 31 and my mother had not really ever recovered. Very sad. That show was also way too much work, given the number of pieces, all of which had to be packaged in bubblewrap for safe handling.



The upcoming flower show permits just 2 entries, so that's just fine. My mother's flower pieces are among my favorites, but I counted 8 that I have so I think I could part with 1 or 2.

This weekend I feel like I made some (very) incremental steps toward, well, just moving forward.

Saturday morning was the bereavement support group. I was surprised to see about 15 people there, though 4 of them were moderators. Everyone was super nice. Some of the people didn't say anything at all, but I was able to see that most of the people there had lost a spouse. I can also see that kind of loss would be much harder to get over. The man sitting next to me had lost his wife to ovarian cancer just 2 months ago, and this was just his 2nd meeting. I really felt for him. The woman on my other side had lost her husband. I got a workbook and a little homework assignment. I joined the group about mid-way through their normal 9-month cycle but I can stay as long as I like. Too bad it only meets monthly.

Saturday I also dropped off a small (about 4 x 6') oriental rug for repair at a rug place. The guy had an interesting set-up in a separate building behind his house, with these giant pulleys from which hung several large rugs. Anyway, he seemed to know what he was doing. All told, putting on new fringe and making some other repairs to fraying threads on the ends, along with the cleaning, which with cat barf, etc it could sorely use, is going to cost me $175! With that money I could easily buy a brand new rug but this one has sentimental value.

My mother bought it many years ago on a trip to Morocco. I basically grew up with this rug, and I like its compact size. Anyway, I was a little surprised when the rug guy immediately told me the rug was not Moroccan, it was Pakistani, and he even told me the name of the style the pattern was.

Well, I do hope the new fringe looks ok. They don't actually remove the old fringe, they just sew the new fringe on top. The color is pretty close, basically an ivory, although his will look newer.

Anyway, I am happy to spend the $$ on something near to my heart. It's something I'd wanted to do for a while now, along with a hundred other things, so soon I'll be able to check this one off my list.

I find that as I get older, I have a greater interest in preserving what I have than buying ever more new stuff.

The only thing that annoyed me about this guy was that when I was ready to leave, I wanted some sort of receipt showing I dropped something off. We'd had a nice chat but still, I don't know him at all, and initially, probably due to laziness, he didn't want to. Not very professional...

On Sunday afternoon I went to a fun presentation in town on rabbits...how to raise them, good for those thinking of adopting one. It was put on by a rabbit rescue group. Who knew such a group existed? I kept thinking of Lucky Robin but I don't think she would be welcome in this group.

It was mostly parents with little kids who went. I personally have a big interest in all things natural history, so I love this sort of thing. Right after this program there was another one on woodpeckers sponsored by the Audubon Society, but I decided to go home.

Later on Sunday a man stopped by my house. His wife sat in the car in the driveway while he came in to collect a great photograph of his dog my mother had taken years ago. He was a neighbor in the same condo complex. It was a very nice framed photo, about 12 x 12". I vaguely remembered my mother telling me about a dog painting a neighbor in the complex had asked her to do but later when it was done, he told he he couldn't afford to pay for it. I never found any painted dachshund portrait, so this will forever be a mystery. I am sure my mother would have been very disappointed to have spent all that work and time doing the piece only to have the guy say he couldn't pay for it. However, I don't think it would be like her to destroy her own work. Especially since I did find the dachshund photograph, which had always hung in her stairwell.

I was a little bothered that this man asked my mother's other neighbors, the couple who regularly visited my mother for months, to ask me for the photo/painting, and the husband of that couple approached me during my mother's calling hours on behalf of the other neighbor. I think he should have asked me himself, and maybe my mother's funeral was not the best time. But whatever, not everyone enjoys going to a funeral (least of all me). I wish that at the time my mother told me about this years ago that I had paid better attention, because I might have clearer guidance now on how to deal with this situation. In the end, though, I feel the photo should go to the owner of the dog. The dog had died just a few days after my mother. It had been a therapy dog and the man was very close to it. He actually choked up at my house when I asked him about it.

Today I met a meet-up group of women walkers at the mall and about 8 of us did a fairly brisk walk around the entire mall to get a good hour of exercise in. Afterwards, I spent some time at Sears and William Sonoma to try to use up some gift cards I have; i did use up the Sears one but still have a balance of about $2 on the other one, and I could find nothing affordably priced at W-S that I actually needed.

I had hoped to see The Martian at the $2 movie theater this afternoon, but by 1 pm it started snowing and I'd rather not be out in snow.

I also made up my mind to call the women's center in the city where my mother lived and see if I can inquire about donating some of my mother's art. My mother and I had talked about this in general terms. Nothing specific, but she expressed an interest in having me donate some of her art to various public places where people could still enjoy her art after she was gone. A library, for instance.

You might think that trying to figure out where to donate would be a huge task. At least that's how it sort of felt to me. Unbelievably, out of all the paperwork I tossed and sorted in an extremely rapid manner last May/June (with 12 file cabinet drawers, I feared I would never get through it all), I came across an envelope from this women's center. On the envelope was a small sticky note upon which my mother had written: Donate art?

I mean, how much clearer a sign do I need? So I plan to call them, maybe tomorrow. I tentatively decided on two framed pieces that seemed suitable for them since it's a women's center (for battered women and so on) and these 2 pieces are figures of women done in my mother's own unique style. I have more of these women figures (each one is different) but they are matted, not framed.

Right now I've got a split pea soup cooking on the stove; supper will be ready by around 8:30 pm when I plan to watch the Grammys.

My annual raise was even lower than last year, at 1.85%. I think it works out to about $56 per biweekly paycheck, or $1500 annually.

We're going to have bitter cold temps here in Connecticut starting tomorrow afternoon through Sunday. Minus 20 or 30 degrees at night! As long as my car starts, I don't plan to let it interfere with my plans, which include going out tomorrow morning into early afternoon but that's about it.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work and so I can make a nice split pea soup this weekend.

I have a very small (about 4' x 6') oriental rug that is in need of repair and very likely a good cleaning. I'll be dropping it off at the rug works tomorrow. Between the cleaning ($55) and putting new fringe on ($75) plus repair of the 2 ends ($45) I could easily buy a new rug to replace it, but it has sentimental value, since my mother bought it when she vacationed in Morocco. I have to look at the label on the rug but the guy i emailed photos to said it was not Moroccan and that it was either Pakistani or Indian. Either way, it's a pretty little rug and I basically grew up with it.

I grew up in the 60s and 70s and I fondly remember our living room which my friends who came to visit thought was totally cool....in place of a couch, we had jumbo-sized floor cushions finished in burgundy and purple velvet covers my mother made, along with the little oriental rug I just mentioned, a black Baldwin baby grand piano, my step-father's huge cacti collection and lots of books, art and records. There was also a small black plastic cube table which I now have in my office.

I also like that the rug is fairly compact in size and so seems more versatile as a result.

I've been wanting to get it repaired for a few years now so I finally got around to looking into it.

On the other hand, I have a much larger oriental rug (about 12 x 12' and the same dark red color scheme that's so common with these types of rugs) in my bedroom. It was the rug my grandmother kept in her dining room for years. I've lived with it for years now, too, but honestly I'm tired of the busy pattern and it's not really my "style," or my color, so when and if I do ever move, I won't take it with me. It has served me well these many years and grandma please forgive me if I get rid of it! It can be hard to let go of "family" stuff without feeling guilty.

The one great thing about this rug is that however it was constructed was not with the usual loops, which my cats have delighted in totally shredding with their claws on other rugs I long since had to trash. This rug has stood up to 5 cats now who regularly scratch it and I long ago got tired of yelling at them to stop. The rug looks none the worse for wear. Amazing, really, although it still doesn't make me want to keep it forever.

You may have read some of my earlier posts where I talked about getting estimates for the repaving of my driveway.

The current drive, a good 75 feet long, is not in good shape, with all sorts of "alligatoring" and large cracks through the asphalt. The slope end of it also developed a raised hump in the middle, so if you drive a car and don't drive slightly to the side of that hump, you may bottom out, like I do.

So it needs to be dealt with, and I figured now would be a good time 1) because oil prices have dropped so dramatically, and asphalt is a petroleum-based product and 2) having a nice new driveway would not scream "maintenance" to would-be buyers of this place and would enhance rather than detract from its curb appeal.

As I thought about how to approach this project, I thought of how wonderful it would be to have the top half of my driveway, where it's completely level, redone in paver bricks, while just the lower half with the upward slope would be repaved in asphalt.

The top part is surrounded by stone walls on 3 sides as well as the side of my garage, so it would be completely enclosed, like a courtyard. I might include 1 or 2 large circle patterns with the pavers, similar to what I did at the top of my front entry landing.

The mason who did my front entry landing said he could match the grayish color of that to the pavers used on the driveway for a unified look, and of course he did a great job on the front entry so I would trust him to do same on the drive. He also assured me the pavers could take the weight of cars or even heavier trucks like the oil delivery truck on them. And if I never needed to rebuild another section of my stone walls, it would be very easy to pull up several rows of the pavers to do so, as compared to wrecking any paved asphalt. Pavers in general are easier to maintain if, say, the water table raised them, whereas asphalt would just crack.

I think the look would just be lovely. But now here are the prices:

To repave the whole driveway: $6,615 (I consider this a very good price as I vaguely recall at least 10 years ago getting a price of about $10K to do it when I inquired about it then...I found the current guy on Angie's list and he got good reviews.)

To repave the slope half of the driveway and then just pull up the old asphalt on the top end for the masons, who would then install their pavers: $3,715

Cost of mason doing the pavers on top half of driveway (which does widen out considerably) $9,200. He originally told me $9,800 but called me later and took off $600.

So I'm looking at a cost of $6,616 to repave the whole thing with asphalt versus $12,915 to do the pavers and the asphalt together...double the cost.

Yes?
I have a very strong urge to do the pavers because I believe it would be LOVELY and, as I said, it would make what is now the typical ugly asphalt driveway more like an elegant courtyard.

I do have the money, especially given my recent inheritance.

Getting the courtyard effect and doing the pavers would no doubt make this a more attractive property to sell to prospective buyers.

This is my emotional response.

No?
However, my logical response is that it is extremely hard to justify spending an extra $6500 to make it "pretty" when I really do want to sell this house and move sometime before I turn 60 (4 years).

Why spend the extra money here, only to enjoy it for a few years before I sell, when I can spend that extra money on something else to improve whatever condo I end up in? (Continuing to make improvements to my house could also make it psychologically harder for me to leave, which I really think is in my best interests.)

Would everyone tell me no, don't do the pavers? I'm sort of hoping there will be someone who sees reasons why I should do what I want.

The fact is, I've been talking about moving for probably 5 years now. I feel a little "stuck," especially after acquiring all of my mother's stuff, but long-term I think it would be better in many regards if I moved: I'd reduce my property taxes, eliminate responsibility for outdoor maintenance (major storms bring down big trees and scare the heck out of me and I worry one will hit the house one day, not to mention the expense of disposing of the fallen tree), one level would be better as I get older, especially with MS and the list goes on....

From a strictly dollars and cents points of view, aside from a one-time savings taking the purchase price of a condo vs what I'd likely net from the sale of the house (I figure maybe $15 to 25k) my ongoing expenses would probably not change that much, because the few thousand I would save in property taxes would be eaten up by common charges that I don't pay now.

What do you think?

I heard an interesting report on public radio this morning, that not only are a growing number of young people in their teens and 20s not getting driver's licenses (this has apparently been going on for years) but now more people in their 30s and 40s are giving up driving too.

Of course most of these people live in urban areas with excellent mass transit options.

I would love to give up my car but it just couldn't happen here in Connecticut, which is infamous for its lousy mass transit system. Our cities are probably better, but much of the state is suburban and far-flung. My town doesn't even have a train stop and the only buses that come through here are those little shuttle vans for seniors. Uber hasn't arrived here yet.

Well, it's an interesting thought.

No refunds this year. I paid $364 for the federal and just $8 owed on the state of CT tax return. Both are filed and done with til next year. Doing my taxes has become much more manageable since I stopped working freelance, since I now have but one employer (not 3) and since I stopped selling mutual funds.

It snowed all day today but when I went out to shovel, there was really only about 3 inches on the driveway.

I had a lull in my work today and I had a thought that this would be a good time to call my mother. Of course I can't, and the thought of that sent me into tears.

This happens regularly. Don't want to sound like a baby, but I miss my mother terribly. This Saturday I will finally be able to go to a bereavement support group about 45 minutes south of here. None of the groups closer to me meet at the right time, and this is the only one that meets on a Saturday. I hope to gain something from it by talking to others who are going through the same thing.

A few days ago i had the young mason here who had redone my stone stairway last year; i was getting a price from him for possibly redoing part of my driveway in pavers. He remembered I had talked about my mom last summer and he asked how she was. When i told him she had passed, he commiserated, but told me his own mother died when she was just 37. He suggested that losing one's mother at such a young age is harder than losing your mother after she's lived a full life. It's not, and it's stupid of people to try to make comparisons, like my loss was harder than your loss. It makes no difference how old someone is when they die... you still miss them just as much.

I got the big ($11,461) final bill from Masonicare, and was happy to write out the check and be done with it. I silently thanked my mother for having enough money to pay all these final bills; imagine how stressful it would be if, on top of your grief, you had to deal with the monetary pressures of not having enough money to pay these massive expenses.

There are still 3 or 4 providers I owe money to (for services ordered by the doctor at Masonicare, for the month of December, which I didn't even know about til i got the Medicare statement) but they will be smaller bills totaling a few thousand, I think. I am so anxious to put this aspect behind me, but it has to all play out as it will. The hospital and other service providers take a while for their billing departments to process everything. It's just draining, emotionally.

I had the best of intentions in trying to fix my leaky toilet yesterday.

I replaced the rubber flapper but i could hear the trickling of water leaking anyway and the water line continued to visibly drop until the whole thing tank filled up again.

I knew that if it wasn't the flapper, then it was beyond my ability to fix it, especially since I could not turn the water shut-off valve.

So I caved and had a plumber over here this morning. He explained that the generic rubber flapper I'd purchased for $6 at the local hardware store was defective and not really "universal" like the package claimed. He actually showed me an area of the seal that was very slightly curved up when it should have been flat, allowing water to trickle out.

The price I paid for the plumber was $110. It was an expensive and unfortunate incident. How would I have known it was a defective flapper? I assumed it was something else.

At the least, I'm going to return the flapper to get my $6 back, but I also plan to call "Korky" the manufacturer of the defective flapper. Not that they will refund me $110, but still.

I talked to Korky and the only thing she could do is send me another flapper.

Today I dealt with 2 unpleasantries: toilet and taxes.

Taxes: I did my federal tax return today but since you have to wait a day to make sure the IRS accepted your return (it was bounced back to me twice last year due to tiny errors), I won't file the CT return until I'm sure the federal has been accepted.

But anyway, it wasn't too, too bad this year, mainly because I didn't sell any mutual funds (no Schedule D) nor do I any longer do freelance writing, so that saved me 2 additional schedules to do. Plus, no more healthcare subsidy. So I only had the tax return, 2 schedules and 4 worksheets.

I owe $364. Well, I paid it already.

Regarding the toilet, I've noticed for a while now, usually at night, that it's been running. Not constantly, but maybe every 10 minutes or so. I didn't have food dye around the house, so I brewed up a cup of hot black tea, let it cool, then dumped it in the tank and waited 15 minutes. I didn't see any tea-stained water in the bowl, but I could see how the water in the tank had fallen below the normal fill line. So while the water wasn't overflowing into the tube thing, I suspect it was leaking from the rubber flapper gasket, which I replaced years ago. I tried to turn the water off at the valve under the toilet so I could do that replacement, but it was really stuck.

Went to hardware store and he advised, don't do plumbing jobs on a Sunday. Good advice. I let the shut-off valve be, lest I should break it and instead was able to replace the rubber flapper without turning the water off.

HOWEVER, I'm not sure I fixed the problem as I could still hear a tiny trickle of water sound intermittently. I suspect the "Douglas valve" needs to be replaced. Which means I have to call a plumber because it will require shutting off the water this time for sure. Sigh.

Now it's time for a well-deserved walk in the sunshine!

A cedar tree near the driveway that was once just a few feet tall.

Housekeeping is not my forte. There, I've said it. With two profusely shedding cats and my mother's stuff propped up all over the place, it's hard to keep the place clean.

I did manage to do my once-every-two-weeks vacuuming. Today. I'm not sure what came over me. I had the energy to go further, so I got down on my knees and cleaned the kitchen floor with just a sponge. I'd gotten tired of all the dusty cat hairs that seem to collect underneath the cabinets. I wiped everything down and then decided to rotate my small kitchen island on casters to create more room. I even pulled out the refrigerator and cleaned up all the dust behind it, don't ask me why.

I have to admit the kitchen floor looks so much better. Not sure how much of it is psychological, and only because I know I scrubbed every square inch, but I do really think it looks cleaner.

Now another completely different kind of confession: Since my mother passed, I've lost interest in my work. I feel distracted. My heart just isn't in it anymore. I've also been feeling a sense that I need to make some big changes in my life, to do the things I want to do, that life is too short to waste doing anything less.

Part of it is due to the loss of my mom but part of it is also due to the recent restructuring of my job where I now report to someone new and work with a team that is located in Massachusetts. This was supposed to be a pretty small add-on to my existing work, since my current responsibilities, customer communications, haven't gone away, but between the meetings and the work that follows, it seems like it's taking up half my time. So now a job that I enjoyed is not so much fun.

I'm not especially liking it. I did revisit my financial status with the thought of leaving. While I'm doing very well by probably most people's standards, it really would be premature and probably a mistake to leave such a well-paying job just a few years earlier than planned. Three-and-a-half more years, I keep telling myself...three-and-a-half more years.

I went so far as to peruse other internal openings at the bank but of the 4 writing jobs posted, I either didn't qualify or wasn't interested. I probably won't do much more than that, but I do feel that old familiar feeling of being disenchanted with work, disinterested and disgruntled. Nothing new, but oh well.

The one fortunate thing is that the physical distance between me and the rest of my "team" helps to camouflage my dissatisfaction since they don't/won't often see me.

I'm glad the weekend is here and that the four-inch snowfall gave me a reason to stay home today.


This is the view at the foot of my driveway after I made one pass with the shovel.

The driveway is mostly shoveled so I can maybe pay a visit to the local healthy pet food place where some animals will be up for adoption. Not at all looking to adopt, but I would love to look.

I want to at least start doing my tax returns this weekend. Ugh, but it would be great to have it out of the way.

I have not done very well with my 365 Days of Gratitude but I haven't written it off yet.

It was a warm but rainy day all day at work today and since getting home, the wind and rain have really picked up. I see it's due to continue for another 96 minutes.

Tomorrow I'm looking forward to a follow-up to discuss the blood work results from my physical 2 weeks ago. I'm really curious to see whether the positive effects of a mostly vegan diet will be apparent, although I can tell you my blood pressure was great at 110/60, I believe.

Glad to be working at home tomorrow. I TREASURE my 2 work-at-home days, trust you me!

Tomorrow I also meet with a fencing guy about putting in a hand rail for my new outdoor stairs. I already got a decent estimate from a guy I found on Angie's List to repave my driveway. If he only repaves the lower slope but rips out the asphalt for the entire drive, so that the mason guys who did my stairs can do pavers at the top of the drive, creating a "courtyard," the fee from asphalt guy would be just $3700. If he repaved the whole thing, it would be just $6,600.

I vaguely recall many years ago trying to get estimates and remember them being in the neighborhood of $10,000. But I REALLY would like to get the paver courtyard to replace ugly asphalt, and I'm afraid the mason will be very expensive.

I scanned and emailed him a copy of the asphalt guy's estimate so he can see he needs to come in really low if I'm to be persuaded to hire him for the pavers. It otherwise would be hard to justify that kind of added expense.

The handrail and the driveway...these are my two 2016 projects.

I collected all the paperwork for my mother's 2015 tax return and emailed it to her accountant. Later down the road as part of the probate process I'll need to have the accountant do an "estate tax return." Because of the timing so close to end of year, I'm guessing it will be a repeat mostly of her 2015 return, making it easier for her accountant.

I called probate court earlier this week because it had been a month and I hadn't heard anything from them since filing the initial paperwork. Turns out I had not completely filled in one page; it didn't appear they were planning on calling me, and if you think about it, they probably figure they don't need to becus any executor is going to be pretty anxious to get thru probate and so will be calling them. I was annoyed, though. I completed answering the questions and put it in the mail yesterday.

I can wait....I'm still getting reams of paperwork and statements from Medicare, Part A and Part B, and it's rather confusing knowing what they will pay and won't pay because one mailing appears to contradict the mailing that came a week later.

I find it excruciating waiting on hold to get answers, so I can sit tight for now and see what bills may appear in my mailbox.

There should be only 3 remaining bills: 1) the accountant doing mom's taxes, 2) Masonicare and 3) the hospital.

I hadn't originally planned on taking a fee for my role as executor, but I am entitled and I'm thinking now maybe I will. In Connecticut they don't establish the fee but it needs to be "reasonable." I'll have to determine what % that is.

Last weekend I went to see 13 Hours with my Dad. It was very, very violent as you may imagine, given the subject matter. Not at all the type of movie I'd pick for myself, but I like to indulge dad.

Last night I went to a presentation on songbirds at the library. Much more my style, and I was amazed at how many people showed up. There were about 60 people there, as many men as women, and I was probably the youngest person there! Probably because the library was in another town that has a very large retirement community with several thousand residents.

This weekend I hope to start my own tax return. Yuck. Hate it. I would like to get my hands on a hard copy booklet of instructions at local IRS office but I'm not even sure they're making them available that way anymore. Maybe it's all online? I just find it easier to underlie and mark up a hard copy.

I got a weird feeling about my finances after updating my "Countdown to Retirement" goals at very bottom of my sidebar here, which I've copied here:

Annual Savings Goals:
End of year 1, Nov 2015: $723,469
Actual Savings: $686,593
End of year 2, Nov 2016: $805,974
End of year 3, Nov. 2017: $893,842
End of year 4, Nov. 2018: $987,421
End of year 5, Nov. 2019: $1,087,083

You'll notice that at the end of year 1, Nov. 2015, I failed to meet my 1st year savings goal of $723,469. These were goals I came up with in November 2014 after crunching numbers with several different online retirement calculators, to determine how much money I needed to finance the kind of retirement I want. But I missed the mark, by quite a lot.

Two months later, after calculating my January income and expense numbers, and with mom's help...and this is where I feel the weird part.... I have almost EXACTLY met my 1st year savings goal.

My savings as of January 31 is $723,451. The difference between that and my original 1st year savings goal is just $18.

Thanks, mom. I will use this money wisely to honor your memory.

On a related note...

I am so glad that when I planned my mother's funeral I decided to say in the obituary I wrote that in lieu of flowers, people could make a donation in my mother's memory to either the Alzheimer's Association or any animal welfare organization. Flowers' beauty is fleeting, and I knew I would derive more comfort from the people who came during calling hours than any flowers.

I am so glad I did this because I did not realize how enormously comforting it was to get a card in the mail from various animal groups (or AA) informing me that so-and-so made a donation in mom's name. Not a ton of people did this, but maybe 5 or so did, and each time I learned of it, it really made me feel good because I KNOW my mother would also feel quite touched by it. And appreciative.

Another poignant thought...it seems so many people who were a part of my mother's life have become a part of mine now. If at all I knew these people while mom was alive, I knew of them at a kind of peripheral level, someone I may have met once or twice but didn't know very well. Now that my mom's gone, I find that some of my my mother's neighbors or friends have become my friends. It is so comforting, I can't tell you how much.

My mother's neighbors of 15 years, a married couple in their 60s, have invited me, my dad and my sister to dinner out this spring.

I spent at least an hour with an art gallery owner who had exhibited my mother's work for many years. She listened so much to my troubles, trials and tribulations when my mother was in the nursing home. Yesterday, I tried to pay back some of her kindness while we talked about lost loved ones and how we took care of them. She told me a little about her favorite grandmother, something I can definitely relate to because my mother's mother was also someone I held very dear. The gallery owner is about my age. I will always hold her in high regard because I was with my mother the last time the two of them saw each other. It must have been in the first half of 2015, and I remember so well how the gallery owner, who I discovered had a subtle yet very playful sense of humor, made my mother laugh.

My friend Ron has suggested we take my dad out some day this spring too, in much the same way he suggested years ago that we do different things with my grandmother. Ron is very family-oriented; I do believe he taught me a lot about the value of family. I came from a very fragmented family with divorce and plenty of moves in my past, so I don't think I understood how to cultivate family ties. He did. Anyway, I have two destinations I think my dad might enjoy: 1 is rare breed conservancy that breeds endangered duck species (yes, ducks) and the other is horseofct.org, a group that rescues, rehabilitates and adopts out neglected or abused horses. I'd like to check them out at one of their open houses days and will probably donate to them once I get my employer to recognize them as a legitimate nonprofit (which they are). They just weren't on my employer's database for some reason, probably because they're small and one location.

My net worth now surpasses $1 million. This is a first for me. That includes the value of my home, so certainly I can't retire today but it still is very nice.

What pushed me over the one million mark is that I've already received about half my inheritance from my mother. This was the money she'd invested in mutual funds, which bypasses probate. It was amazing how quickly that money was deposited in my account. I mailed in T. Rowe's forms (it took 3 phone calls to make sure I was filling them out correctly), along with the original death certificate, and 5 days later I saw the money in my account. It was lightening fast and I'm sure in sharp contrast to what the probated process will be like.

I know how very carefully my mother managed that money, and out of respect for that, and remembering how incredibly frugal my mother lived, I do hope to do the same. No doubt some of it was what was left of money she'd inherited from her parents decades earlier. At the same time, I don't want to simply hoard my money, being so afraid of spending it that I don't really get to enjoy it. I think my mother, who grew up in the Depression, was a little guilty of that. She hoarded everything.

Still, if and when I do spend the money, I want to spend it on meaningful, not frivolous things. In my mind, when I do sell my house, a meaningful thing would be taking a portion of my inheritance to purchase a nicer condo that I would have otherwise been able to afford. I don't plan to move again, so this will be my "retirement" home and I've long held onto the idea that this home should be a bit more luxurious than my first home, because I've earned it.

I like my house very much, but it is circa 86 years old with not-quite-level floors, beat-up walls and woodwork and stuff like that. Mice in the basement in winters is an annual reality. I would really like a fully updated kitchen but have done nothing to mine except wallpapering in the 20 years I've lived here.

Frivolous spending would be spending on things like clothes, jewelry, and random do-dads for the house although major home improvements are another thing I would willingly spend on. Like getting my driveway redone this spring, hopefully. Travel would also be well worth it, IMO.

I remember encouraging mom to replace the ratty carpeting in her condo, which she so wanted to do because of her allergies, and getting a new ceramic floor in the kitchen to replace the beat-up linoleum. I know she wanted to do both but probably ran out of steam. It would be such a huge, multi-step project just to move furniture and stuff out of the rooms. I wish I had made the time to help her figure out how to approach it. It's a little bittersweet remembering the whole thing because I did end up replacing all the carpeting in there, but she didn't get to enjoy it -- I had moved her out and into an assisted living place by that time, and the new carpeting was needed to sell the place.

Also reflected in the numbers is the fact my home value has been going sideways for a while. I can't say the value has recovered since the market peak I 2007-2008. In June 2013 it was valued at $289,000 by Zillow and today, 1.5 years later, it's valued at $286,000.

I keep plowing large sums of money into my Roth 401k accounts at work. Eventually, I hope all that bears some fruit.

Shown here is a small blue vase, which represents my 16th thing to be grateful for. You may wonder, what the heck is so special about that little ceramic vase?

I've always liked its shape, design and color. A lot. It's handmade, and the maker signed the bottom. But maybe part of the reason I like it is because I grew up with this vase. It was among my mother's possessions, and among the relatively few "trinkets" I held onto. Somehow, it was not dropped or broken all these many years. It could easily be 50 years old, which is really not that old when you think about the pyramids of Egypt, but when measured by a human's lifetime, it's practically an antique.

Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us live in an affluent society. If you see some small trinket that catches your fancy online or in a store window, you can buy it pretty easily, right?

I suppose that's a good thing, but there's something to be said for history and longevity. The world is changing all the time. I find comfort in surrounding myself with familiar possessions that hold special meaning for me because they've been a part of my family for so many years.

And so this little vase, which is worth so much than the sum of its parts, is what I'm thankful for on this 16th day of gratitude.

I am sure that anyone reading this post could think of special items they hold onto, not because they serve a certain purpose, necessarily, or because they hold great monetary value, but for reasons having to do with your family and where you came from. An anthropologist might even call this a talisman.

What are yours? 100 bonus points if you post a photo!

I think back to the many yarns and fibers I sold these past 6 months.

When the weather was still warm, I would photograph them outside to take advantage of the natural light and what I think was a handsome backdrop: my stone staircase.

Naturally I wanted to make the yarns I was selling as attractive as possible. It got to the point where I felt like I was marketing "yarn porn."

Take a look at these gorgeous shots and see if you don't agree. You don't have to be a weaver to appreciate them.


These glittery yarns, which I made a point to sell right before Christmas, were some of my best sellers. If I'd known how popular they would be, I would have priced them higher. Of course, that's what I said about a lot of things.


In addition to some very alluring photos, I also gave the colors some appealing names. This was butter yellow cotton. I would typically sell the cones for about $5 for small ones, $10 for medium-sized ones and $15 for large ones like this, which could weigh a pound or more. Depending on the fiber, they could retail for more than twice that amount.

I exhaustively researched prices for every yarn I sold. The goal was to determine the right price per ounce. Obviously I wanted to get as much as I could for them, but if they lingered on my shelving for weeks, well, I also need to get on with my life, too. I continuously adjusted my prices as needed to keep moving the merchandise!

I started out by checking retail yarn prices, then pricing mine at half that. But I found over time it was better to compare yarn prices on Etsy and then either meet those prices or slightly undercut them, because Etsy is where, I suspect, many buyers go to check prices before making an offer.


This was lipstick red cotton.


The afternoon sun created some interesting shadows with this Robin Hood green.


I called these the "fuzzy navels," because they are actually hairy. Most people don't know what to make of it. I still have a dozen of these things and I think I sold one. They are polyester, and most serious weavers are yarn snobs. They look down on synthetics. Who knew, right?


Here's another polyester that has gone unsold, despite my best efforts. I really kind of like the multi-color effect; it reminds me of the string they use to tie up your box of cake at the local bakery.


My gosh, I sold a lot of yarn cones. These are all gone, thankfully.


This roving (used by spinners) was also very hot, due to the unusual coloring. The people on these sites are very serious about their purchases, though, and they expect you to know the provenance of each yarn you sell, what breed lama/alpaca/goat, etc, its age, name and favorite snack. I'm exaggerating, of course, but only just a little.


I must say, this was a great shot in the late afternoon sun. This was "soft as a baby's bottom" roving, and it was easy to sell.


Some neutral wools...


This was the very first fiber I tried to sell, and I vastly underestimated how popular they would be. I went crazy trying to keep up with all the people saying they wanted this color or that color. I had about 50 of these cute little wool tubes from Frederick Fawcett of Boston, which has since gone out of business. I sold them for $5 a piece, a bargain, by all accounts.


This Tussah silk brought gasps of admiration, believe me. It is made by a certain type of caterpillar and I got a very good price for it.


This is not a natural fiber but I think it's a great color nonetheless. It finally sold, for a pittance.

I sure have learned a lot about fibers, not to mention, shipping via USPS and Paypal. Since most of what I sold did not have labels indicating quantity, I learned how to calculate "WPI," or "wraps per inch," which you can do easily with a pencil. Armed with that knowledge, I could then cite the yarn weight, wehether it was "fingerling," "worsted," "bulky" or "lace."


Most of these wool cones came from Plymouth Mills, one of the few mills that appears to still be in business. I know because I contacted them to try to determine if this fiber was in fact 100% wool. Thank God, for now I could make the claim it was wool and not have to worry about unhappy buyers. It really was important as far as trying to set a price on them. After I sent them an email, they confirmed they were indeed wool. I sold them 1, 2, 3 or more at a time, a very tedious process, until finally a few months back I met a woman online who wanted to buy all the wool cones I had remaining, about $400 worth. It was a lot of work to pack up 4 big boxes for her, but it helped me get through some of these yarn sales that much faster.


When I started, I had about 4 of these shelves filled with yarns, not to mention 2 folding tables and my dining room table. At this point I've sold probably 75% of my mother's stash so I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I have left is the synthetic stuff, the acrylics, nylons and polyesters or the ones that have no labels. It's tough to sell something if you don't know what it is. There's a burn test you can do but it you have a blend, like a polyester/cotton mix, say, the results can be inconclusive so I don't rely on the burn test too much.

I've been selling yarns since I guess late May. Never really mentioned it here that much because you guys aren't fiber people, but this has taken up SO much of my spare time. I thought I'd share all these photos with you as it's been quite the journey. It kind of became a hobby for me and now I don't want to get rid of quite all my yarn photos. It will remind me of these upside down, emotional days.

I've also met a lot of very very nice middle-aged women who live locally and came to the house to buy. It's been a very interesting experience. I had no idea, starting out, these yarns were so valuable.

This is a basket of Thai jute, just one of a zillion fibers I sold on Facebook or to local weavers.

Heating oil prices now down to $1.39 a gallon. I could have pulled the trigger and ordered a fill-up of my tank, but I think it will continue to fall, so might as well wait. When I consider that I paid an average $3.22 a gallon in the 2010-2011 heating season....but the worst was in 2008, when I paid $4.24 a gallon to stay warm.

I called a few contractors today looking for estimates on two spring projects I'd like to tackle: 1) the repaving of my driveway and 2) installation of a hand rail for my newly redone front stairway (outside).

The driveway is in pretty rough shape. I dislike the look of an all-asphalt driveway, especially as I have a pretty big area at the top which opens up. So the one guy I could reach on the phone was the one who rebuilt my stone staircase outside and did a very nice job with the paver landing at the top, right in front of my front door.

He doesn't do asphalt drives, but he does do paver drives. If the price was right, I might consider hiring him to the top half of the driveway in pavers and hire another company to do asphalt on the hill.

Pavers at the top of the drive, surrounded by my stone walls, would really make it look like a courtyard.

The hand rail will be a small job and in fact I hope I don't have trouble getting someone to even bid o it since it's not much money involved. I'd like to see them bolt the hand railing into one side of the stone wall rather than have vertical posts bolted to the bluestone stairs themselves. These would get in the way of potted plants I like to keep on the stairs. Heck, maybe I can get my handyman to do this. I just don't want mishaps drilling a hole into the stone and possibly weakening/dislodging/damaging it.

Going to see 13 hours this weekend with my dad.

I decided to donate $100 to Bat Conservation International today. I used to be a member in years past. What's great is that now I register with my employer to have them match my donation. There's another group, a local horse rescue group that rehabs neglected or abused horses and puts them up for adoption, that was not on my employer's database of nonprofits but I submitted an app to register that group so my donation to them could also be matched.


This guy looks so darn huggable, doesn't he?

I've gotten what I believe is the last statement from Medicare, which indicates I may have to pay over $4,000 in numerous bills to the local hospital doctors, etc. The number of items listed is dizzying. I will wait for the actual bill(s) to arrive themselves. They mostly seem within reason and were covered by Medicare, with various co-pays needing payment by me, except for one big bill for $800-odd dollars, that was no covered by Medicare because, I assume, it was a duplicate. So hopefully that's not going to be an issue to dispute.

I heard back, finally, from Masonicare about whether or not they are going to reimburse me for the comforter that disappeared after it was laundered. They will. They will issue a check for $38 and change. Small victories. The letter of grievances will still be written about much more important matters. I need to do it while memories are still fresh, but I know I am procrastinating about it because to write it means I have to relive it again.

I'm so enjoying the final season of Downton Abby. It's like a feast for the eyes to look upon the inside of that castle and the clothing everyone wears. Just love it.

I am way behind on my Days of Gratitude but it is hard when you mostly stay cooped up indoors.

I don't think I mentioned, but on Sunday, the day after the big snowstorm, after I shoveled out my driveway and ran some errands, I decided to swing by the cemetery to see if they installed the stone or not. I parked outside the gate and walked up the hill, which hadn't been cleared. I trudged through the snow and already the tears began to fall. I kept looking up toward where I thought the stone would be, and there it was. He did a very good job of it. But I couldn't tell if they'd been able to dig the footing or not, due to the snow, and later I learned they had not been able to cus the ground was too frozen. If they have to wait til spring to do it, I may not want to wait because I am anxious, as executor, to pay off all final bills as expediently as possible. Though if I pay him now, as I sort of plan to, it could give him a reason to possibly put off doing the footing, I don't know.

Waking back down the hill, there was such a great view of some boys playing ice hockey on the frozen pond. So Norman Rockwellian. Wish I'd had my camera with me.

I woke up this morning at 6:52 a.m., about the time I naturally awaken, but as so happens with me, my brain had crystalized someting very important even before I was fully conscious.

It was well before my mother died that I began privately maintaining a laundry list of grievances with the nursing home. I wanted to write a long and detailed letter, addressed to the chairman of the board of directors, and possibly cc a few people at the state agencies that oversee nursing homes.

At so many levels, in ways small and large, Masonicare could have done so much better for my mom, and I believe if they had, my mother still might be here today.

First and foremost, the quality of their rehab. One hour of physical therapy a day following hip fracture surgery is simply not enough for an elderly person to recover! Can't stress this enough. I brought this up all along the way, at the so-called Family Meetings I had with an array of healthcare providers at Masonicare, to the nurses and aides on staff, etc.

I didn't realize I have a choice. My cousins mentioned that some places are better than others, and that some may provide 2 hours of rehab a day. Too late to look into that now, but if I had known then what I know now, I never would have settled for 1 hour of therapy daily, even if the nursing home was located much further from my home and work.

The crappy state of their diet plan is #2 on my list. I've gone into it before, but it is founded on the standard American diet filled with sugar, sugar and more sugar, processed food, salt, etc. The ONLY fresh fruit I EVER saw there was watermelon. The dietician was noticeably defensive when I tried to tactfully raise this subject, and even when I was able to make some simple modifications to my mom's diet, they WERE NOT implemented because the stupid food servers consistently ignored the written orders due to laziness on their part.

Loss of personal items is a minor point but one I will still make. In fact, it was Masonicare's refusal to reimburse me a measly $40 for the disappearance of my mother's comforter (after I donated a $1400 scoot chair paid for out of pocket..a whole other fiasco) that I decided to press forward with my letter. They said they couldn't reimburse, after searching for it unsuccessfully, because I had not labeled it, like I did the clothes. They have a blanket statement in all the paperwork you receive saying they're not responsible for personal possessions but I'm sorry, there needs to be accountability somewhere. You can't just make a blanket statement and consider it a given.

And yes, I will certainly bring up the scoot chair. I thought it was the answer to my prayers and the only thing that seemed to prevent my mother from getting up by herself and falling again. She was falling repeatedly, starting when she was still at assisted living and continuing after the surgery in rehab, even with a nurse right in the same room. They seemed powerless to prevent it. This special chair, which sits low to the ground and which was usually on back order at the Canadian company where it is made, was highly recommended by a social worker at Masonicare, Wallingford, ok'd by the director of admissions at Masonicare Newtown, only to be taken away at the direction of the head of rehab who said the angle my mother was sitting in the chair was not good for her post- hip surgery. Fine, but why was I permitted and cleared to buy this chair in the first place then if he had the ability to naysay it?

This may provide me with some closure on these topics. Maybe they will throw it away and avoid dealing with it and give me some token response. But maybe they will take it to heart and do something about it. I owe it to my mother to try this.

The tiger inside me is growling.

I am grateful for my education.



I have so many fond memories of Wheaton's lovely old campus with its ivy-covered brick buildings, how my mind was opened up by reading and learning, and the little pond with all its geese. I took one anthropology course with just one other student! They didn't cancel the course! We met at the professor's house on the edge of campus. So wonderful.

Another course on German literature had just 3 of us students. It was so great to get such undivided attention and to have your thoughts and feelings heard.

Work was fairly uneventful today though I did have 4 meetings, which for me is a lot. I had my performance review which went fine, but won't find out about a raise for the coming year until February, I think. They historically have been very stingy with raises but anything more than what I'm making now would be appreciated.

I stopped at Stop & Shop on the ride home to pick up some food to make sure I could make do for a few days indoors if need be.

Now my car is parked in the garage (1st time this winter). I had hoped to get out tomorrow morning early to run errands but it's possible snow could be falling by daybreak, so just to be safe, I parked in the garage.

I got a postcard in the mail about a class action settlement pertaining to Whirlpool dishwashers (and a few other brands) which I'm very excited about because while I didn't experience sparks, I knew there was some sort of electrical short because the darn thing would start operating when the door was NOT closed. It would just spontaneously turn on, which was kind of scary. I already replaced it, so assuming I meet all their qualifications, I could get $300 back from them, which would be GREAT. I hadn't bothered to call Whirlpool because I think when it happened I was already beyond the warranty period and I thought it was somehow my fault because I rarely used the thing.

I walked to the PO on my lunch break in the bitter cold so I could mail two small boxes of yarns to some buyers, and a third package I left on my doorstep for USPS pickup. So yesterday was a productive day in terms of yarn sales.

I must've sold yarns to at least 50 people by now and I'm lucky that with all those sales, I only had one complaint by a woman who said my yarn was "messy," meaning, it had unraveled a bit. She actually got the Facebook site administrator online with me to make her complaint. I mean, if she wants perfection, I guess she should spend triple the price retail somewhere. Geez.

Today I had a look at the quarterly statement I got for my 401k. Some interesting tidbits:

Since beginning contributions August 1, 2014, my rate of return has been a measly 2.03%, or 0.53% for this quarter. However, because I'm contributing 22% of my checks, I've accumulated $36,000 in about a year-and-a-half. The company match for this quarter, which is 100% vested, was $842. Not bad at all!

Only 1 of my 3 Vanguard funds beat its respective index, and only by a tiny amount.

TGIF.