At this very early stage post-surgery, dad is doing well: he is fully cognizant of what's going on, had a good first try at sitting up and standing with a walker and is, God willing, going to heal well.
I'll be headed over there later this afternoon with a salad I made for him full of antioxidants: red bell pepper, beets, walnuts and wild Alaskan salmon, along with a green smoothie I made for him using kale, fresh pineapple, probiotic cashew yogurt and a ripe banana. And because pain meds cause constipation, a small container of prunes and some dried apricots.
But the "rumble" I was referring to relates to how he will live after a few weeks in rehab. Right now, and for probably about 4 years, he has been living in a separate apartment on my sister's property. However, the question of his safety is once again glaringly obvious. He has a double set of outside stairs leading to his apartment (on my sister's property) above a barn. That is not where he slipped and fell; that occurred, I believe, on a grassy, sloped area between his place and my sister's house. He was out there at night with a flashlight and slipped on ice.
When my dad moved in there 4 years ago, I told my sister he should have a chair lift for the stairs. I guess he was 81 at the time. She said they would "take it as it comes," which means doing absolutely nothing to ensure his safety.
My dad loves all 4 of his children, and he seems wedded to the idea of "helping K. out" by living there, since he pays her rent. I believe K. loves him too, but she never gives anything away for free, and always needs to get something in return.
So when I brought up my concern about the stairs yesterday, she said she would look into leasing or buying a chair lift. I'm pissed, to be honest, that it took her 4 years and a fractured hip to come around to that way of thinking.
I thought to myself that we'd need to have it installed when he's ready to come home, so I offered to help research how much it cost and who would do that locally. My focus is wholly on helping dad with what he needs, and I was trying to lift the burden for some of the things that will need doing from my sister. We're in this together. But she got angry with me and said, "It's my house; I'll take care of it." And then, inexplicably, she told me I make her feel like I'm shutting her out of decisions.
Meanwhile, my dad also has 2 sons, 1 of whom came up to see him yesterday and will be back tomorrow. All 4 of his kids are ready and prepared to have him live with them. It's clear that of the 4 choices of residence, my sister's place is probably the least safe in terms of the stairs and the walk she allowed him to do several nights a week to get to her house for dinner. And since she works full-time, he spends long periods of time on his own. I do things with him occasionally on Thursdays/Fridays, and then again on Saturdays.
I, on the other hand, am the only one who is not working full-time and thus would have more time to spend keeping an eye on him. My brother does have his mother in law living there (built-in babysitter), but she is older herself, and I'm not sure how good her English is since they are Chinese immigrants. Also, the activity and noise level with 2 little kids might be more than my dad would prefer.
My brother and I both agreed that we will need to observe dad's progress in the coming weeks before coming to any determination, and of course we'll talk to him to see what his preferences are. I am quite sure that NOT living where he is now with my sister is not something dad has yet considered, and I think he will be reluctant to leave there because again, he is "helping K. out" with rent/mortgage.
I have to be really careful how we proceed because my sister is easily angered and becomes defensive over the littlest things. My brother, on the other hand, is unaware of dad's commitment to help my sister financially, and how much she'll want to keep it that way. God forbid she suspects I'm colluding with my brother to move my dad out of there.
Getting ready for a rumble
January 26th, 2019 at 07:10 pm
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I remember that this sister did not help with your mom when she needed support too. It's unlikely that she'll collaborate well now so the social worker sounds like a good idea.
January 27th, 2019 at 10:08 pm 1548626931