Home > A difficult decision

A difficult decision

October 7th, 2014 at 11:21 pm

So for the past year or so I've been dabbling in online dating. Nothing to date worth mentioning here, as I've met a few people one time and decided not to pursue it.

Recently I met a guy who seemed pretty appealing. He's written 3 books and is a writer like me. He does live 1.5 hours away from me, but becus of what i saw as common interests (he's also vegan like me) i told him i was willing to take things a step at a time and see what happens. Then he suggested we get together for lunch at a restaurant midway between us.

It was only when I tentatively agreed to do that this weekend that he said oh, by the way, I'm a paraplegic following a diving accident in the 1990s. He uses crutches to get around (a wheelchair in the house) and that it doesn't stop him from doing most things, but he does do them more slowly.

This is when I started feeling queasy and like a real shit. Do I, with my f/t job, aging parent issues and old house to keep up really want to take on a long distance boyfriend who happens to be a paraplegic? I don't think I do. Do I feel like a total cad for saying that? Yes.

In the email that he told me that, he said if i wasn't interested to just say nothing at all, in big bold letters. Evidently he has experienced rejection in the past, and I'm sure it's very hurtful. Yet i feel like he set me up for this, in part, by not telling my about this until after I'd agreed to meet him. If I were in his shoes, I would just put it all out there in his dating profile; that way, he could be sure that anyone who struck up a conversation with him was ok with it.

So I don't know what to say to him. If i tell him the truth, it would be rather hurtful. I was thinking of just telling him that since we spoke I met someone else from the dating site and hit it off fairly well with them and want to see where that leads. I did in fact meet someone else on the site who lives right here in my hometown and who I DO plan to meet this weekend. It's just that that hasn't happened yet.

Do you think I should say that? Or do you think it's advisable to just take him at his word and say nothing further to him, no explanation as it appears that's what he'd preferred. It seems pretty cold.

I went to the podiatrist today about the ball of my foot that's been sore since 2010. Two previous podidatrists had not taken x-rays so this one said let's do it, which we did, much as I hate x-rays, and naturally it showed nothing. Which is only to say that I don't have a metallic foreign body in my foot. There could still be a sliver of glass, a wood splinter or even a cat hair. So then we talked and he painted on some salicylic acid, which is commonly u sed to treat warts, except that this was heavy duty salicylic acid. I'm to wear the bandaid til tomorrow morning and return to him in 2 weeks time, at which point the acid will have dissolved my skin at the point of entry of whatever it was, theoretically making it easier to get whatever was in there out. If if's even in there now.

I know 4 years was too long to wait, but I didn't think a 3rd podiatrist would have any more tricks up his sleeve, and i found that by wearing padded band-aids I could get around just fine. That is, until i pulled my hamstring and all of a sudden my foot is sore again, with or without a band-aid.

We'll see what happens.

14 Responses to “A difficult decision”

  1. LuckyRobin Says:

    I don't think anyone can really help you make this decision. You've got to go with what you think is the right decision for your life and your heart.

  2. creditcardfree Says:

    I would not lie to the man. I'm sure he has heard it all, and likely why he doesn't want to hear the reasons/excuses. I sure would hate to be judged by my outward appearance before anyone gets to know me. Sure it happens all the time, but how many people take the time to get past it in his case?

  3. ceejay74 Says:

    It sounds like he's self-reliant if he can meet you halfway, so I'm not sure it would really hamper your life that much. And living so far away, he probably wouldn't expect you to want to see him every single weekend like the guy you had to dump. So you could still get out and do active things by yourself or with friends.

    I can see his POV where he might think, well, no one would be interested in a paraplegic at first glance, but maybe if they liked my personality before they found out, they would set aside their feelings about that. I can also see how it seems deceptive from your perspective, and I don't know how I myself would react.

    Good luck with whatever you decide!

  4. wowitsawonderfullife Says:

    I'd meet him in a heart beat. Once you meet him you can talk openly and honestly about it. Who knows, it might be the love of your life.

  5. Kiki Says:

    I had something similar happen to me. While he never said don't reply if you are not interested I did reply. And I told him how I felt like he lied to me about his lifestyle and that was not fair. He hid something that is a major component of his life and then tried to spring it on me. It was really unfair to me and I told him that.

    He has either had women express not being interested or being upset with him for his duplicitous, underhanded way of telling you (and others). While a part of me would want to tell him what he did was wrong my best guess is he already knows and I would say goodbye and walk away.

  6. MonkeyMama Says:

    I'd say there are plenty of women out there with the personality type to deal with that. I don't think I am one of them and I'd move along. It sounds like in a different stage of life it wouldn't have mattered as much. I've always been in awe of a client of mine. Husband diagnosed with nasty brain cancer shortly after quick engagement and wedding. That is a lot to take on with someone you really barely know. I always felt sad they had no real happy times to look back on.

    This is not as dramatic, but similar in some regard. It is a lot to take on. On the flip side, my sister prefers men she can take care of. He probably needs to find someone more in that personality range.

  7. MonkeyMama Says:

    P.s. I'd just let it go and respect his wishes.

  8. CB in the City Says:

    I think when you get involved in online dating you're taking a chance on many levels. This guy happens to be physically impaired. Others may have all kinds of character flaws and drawbacks that are not so visible. I don't think you ever get a fair sense of a person until you actually meet. On the other hand, you already know you have an unintended aversion to his condition. You would be testing yourself if you met him. You might actually find your aversion is not as strong as you think. Or it might be stronger. Only you can decide whether you want to step outside of your comfort zone! If it were me, I think I would at least check him out.

  9. debt-free by thir-ty Says:

    I actually was in almost the exact same situation. Liked someone I met online, planned to meet, and then he sprung the paraplegia on me. I wasn't sure how to feel because on the one hand, I don't think I'd have gotten to know him had he been upfront (which sounds terrible but is the truth), but on the other, I suddenly felt like I didn't know him at all. I explained how I felt and we actually continued talking for a bit, but never actually met up. It dwindled completely when I met my current bf.

    It's a really tough situation. Best of luck to you in handling it.

  10. Butterscotch Says:

    He has asked you to lunch, not to get married. Isnt having lunch more or less a sit down activity anyway? Maybe it wont be a love connection, but it is someone you have common interests with (writing, veganism). Maybe you will come out of it with a new friend, or someone to bounce writing ideas off of.

    I would meet him.

  11. Joanne Says:

    Hi Patient, I agree with others above that only you can make the decision on whether , you want to meet the man that you have met online . Personally, I would meet him, as I think he must be a really strong person to have gone through what he has, and still get around so well. He may be a really positive person, and be a friend for you, as others have mentioned. I'd go , but of course it's up to you. He may just be a friend. Whatever you decide is okay for you.

  12. Looking Forward Says:

    I vote *Meet Him*.
    It is just lunch - he didn't ask to move in with you. Wink

  13. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    I'm with those who say to meet him. He could become a good friend, even if nothing more.

  14. Tabs Says:

    I'm a little late to the party, but he did say to just say nothing at all, right? Well then, I would just go with that. You shouldn't feel bad if you choose not to meet him.

    Incidentally, what did you do and is there follow-up to this?

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