. I am just so f****** frustrated with my mother right now. I feel like I've had it.
Everything I've done to try to maintain her quality of life (ie, living independently in her condo)has been refused and rebuffed.
Two weeks ago I arranged to have a representative of a home health aide agency come to the house to discuss what they could do to help her. He spent a long time there, but after he left, she said she wasn't interested.
Yesterday I used a vacation day to accompany her to a followup office visit with a neurologist to discuss the results of her testing. He told us she has early dementia (something I long suspected) and recommended 3 things:
1. A medication that can slow progression of memory loss and cognitive decline
2. A driving evaluation to make sure she is still safe driving.
3. So-called physical therapy where they teach you ways to compensate for the memory loss.
I scheduled an appointment for the driving test as well as the physical therapy and she got her prescription. I thought we had made great progress and were at least attempting to take control of things.
Then today she did what she's always done. She read the warning label on the prescription drug, which listed possible side effects of diarrhea and digestive issues, and even though the doctor told us NONE of his patients experienced any side effects, she no longer wants to take the drug.
She has also reneged on taking the driving evaluation because she says she thinks it's "premature" and is doing "fine." And she doesn't want to spent the $185 for the evaluation.
Keep in mind she has plenty of money. She's not frugal. She's just a tightwad.
I am just so upset with her I told her I didn't want to speak to her again. She doesn't get the connection between the medication slowing progression of dementia and prolonging the amount of time she can live as she always has, in her condo. Most rational people would at least try the drug if there was a chance it could improve memory loss, but she has always been anti-medication because she routinely reads prescription warning labels, freaks out at the long list of possible 1-in-a-million side effects and refuses to take the med.
Will I really not speak to her again? I probably will, but I feel like this is my last option, the very last bit of leverage i have. Because I am the only caregiver; my sister wants nothing to do with it and hasn't helped at all.
Why should I jump through hoops to try to help someone who doesn't want to be helped?
I have a neighbor who had her mother, who had Alzheimer's, living with her for a number of years, but the disease worsened and her mother any number of times would wander outside the house late at night (they live on a busy road) in her nightgown screaming that my friend was trying to poison her. Paranoia is a hallmark of late stage AD. Finally, my friend couldn't handle her anymore and she signed over responsibility to care for her to the state, who assigned an attorney to oversee her mother's care. At that point, she was put in a nursing home; I don't think the attorney ever even met the mother.
I've spent so many years planning for a comfortable, fulfilling retirement. I am not looking forward to 10+ years of wrangling with my mother.
I plan to go to a support group this Friday night. I feel constant stress and frustration and I am tired of sacrificing my own time and happiness for nothing. I am angry at my mother for being so god **** stubborn. I am angry at my sister for not giving a s***, and apparently not even caring if she ruins her relationship with me (not that we ever had a good one).
My mother's giving me a nervous breakdown
October 23rd, 2014 at 12:06 am
October 23rd, 2014 at 12:25 am 1414020336
October 23rd, 2014 at 01:02 am 1414022522
October 23rd, 2014 at 02:00 am 1414026055
October 23rd, 2014 at 01:22 pm 1414066923
I was very relieved when I read at the end of this post that you are going to a support group. I think that it is our own expectations that ultimately disappoint us. We think we know what we would do, and it is never what the person we are trying to help is doing. Think of all that your mother has done for you in your lifetime, and while you don't want to spend your retirement years responsible for your mother, maybe there is a happy medium that can meet everyone's needs. I'd suggest a geriatric specialist or caseworker to maybe help everyone out. Neutral third party. And my mom is only 20 years older than me and I just went through the same thing with reading labels about side effects. I had to say, "Mom, it is your vision we're talking about. Only you can make the decision right for you on whether or not to take beta-blockers." And closed the book.
October 23rd, 2014 at 01:26 pm 1414067219
And in rereading what you've written. Maybe it is all too much for your mom - suggestions 1, 2 and 3. Maybe call the doctor and see how he'd rank them in order of suggested important and go from there. If I were facing dementia, I might be in denial, too. For awhile, at least.
October 23rd, 2014 at 03:09 pm 1414073343
October 23rd, 2014 at 03:31 pm 1414074696
I wish there was a way you could sneak them into her food or something, but that would require seeing her everyday. If I can think of anything helpful I will post it. Try googling to see how others have "tricked" or convinced their loved ones to take their meds.
October 23rd, 2014 at 03:39 pm 1414075151
I have a question: Do you live with her? Do you have your own place away from her? Since I think you have a paid off mortgage and she is in a condo - then the answer is yes - you have some space.
Can you get counseling with you and your mom on this issue - maybe with your doctor. Its very difficult to discuss death and old age with parents - but making it a counseling situation could give you the opportunity to state your concerns and your case. Choosing not to take a medication that will help stave off dementia is a sign of dementia and could be the beginning of a case to say she needs someone to take medical and legal responsibility.
Oh that sounds so mean, but maybe if she understands she is doing stuff that is questionable now, when she's in the beginning of it, she'll realize your great pain and concern and stop being so stubborn and actually take the medication.
All of you who have spoken on this issue are now in my prayers. God bless you.
October 23rd, 2014 at 04:25 pm 1414077935
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