There was a definite hint of spring in the air today. I believe we had a high of 50 degrees, so although I was feeling a little lazy after a busy morning, I made myself take an hour-long walk on the town walking trails, and evidently so many others were feeling I did. The dog walkers were out, the moms with their strollers and the families on wheels. I met an amazing white bulldog.

I started off my day at my mother's bank. Yesterday I finally received written confirmation from the probate court that I am indeed approved as executor. It took about 50 days just for this first step.

So I brought all the paperwork to the bank, in need of 2 things:

a) to have them close out my mother's 2 checking accounts and open 1 "estate" account. I will still be able to write a few remaining checks for medical bills on this account. The nice woman at the bank printed out 8 checks for me so I didn't have to spend another $30 or so on hundreds of checks I would never use. Actually, we left about $10 in 1 of the 2 accounts so the sole check that hasn't yet cleared (I wrote it today without thinking, a $5 fee to the probate court) will clear without bouncing. Once it clears, then I'll close out that account too.

b) To fill out the next form for probate, an inventory of assets, I needed to get from the bank the exact balance in both those checking accounts on the date of death. Now I can complete and return this form on Monday.

After the bank, I stopped at the health pet food store, a local family-owned shop that actually has slightly cheaper prices on all the premium cat/dog food brands than the larger national franchises. Not sure how they accomplish that, but I'm happy to give my business to a local family.

After that I went to the Rug Works store to pick up the small oriental (Pakistani) rug I'd brought in for repair about a week ago. I was happy with the results. It's very clean now (!) and the new fringe is full and fluffy....makes it look like a new rug.

After that, let's see..oh, I wanted to get rid of another gift card taking up real estate in my wallet, earned a few months ago from one of my points rewards cards, so my mission was to spend about $66 at Home Goods.

It actually was hard to find things to buy. I feel like I have everything I need/want. However, I made a yeoman's effort and came away happily with some pretty blue ceramic pottery, some Easter-themed with a little bunny, from Portugal and, because I really was searching for something I could use, some gourmet-type food, including some yummy pesto sauce from Italy, honey from Germany and some hemp seeds. Everything was so reasonably priced, although they have way too much stuff Made in China.

After that it was lunch time so I treated myself to a 3 veggie side sampler at Boston Market. After that I think I went home to relax for about an hour and feed the cats, and then I headed out again to the local library to hear a professor from Yale lecture on the Bronte sisters. This was the 1st of 3 lectures, one on each sister, and this was one I wanted to catch because Jane Eyre was one of those seminal novels I read when I was very young and it stuck with me for many years. I was amazed to hear him interpret the whole novel, based in the context of Victorian culture, and all the symbolism which supposedly contains references to feminism, the "hysterical" which was what they called women who didn't really fit in, the classic Victorian plot (tough times followed by a happy ending), etc. It was pretty interesting and there was a full house, maybe about 50 people, attending.

The next talk will be on Wuthering Heights, which I never read. Is it worth it?

While at the library I checked out 3 books but I have to read them fast; one of them was from the "new book" section and so i technically only have 2 weeks to read a pretty thick book. Another book is a book club selection so if I want to attend the discussion, I've got about 3 weeks for that one.

The 1st book is called Black Earth: The Holocaust as History and Warning. I have often thought that too many people seem to forget the Holocaust, and the lessons we should learn from it, and in this book the author talks about how the early 21st century is coming to resemble the early 20th century, when Hitler rose to power. Growing preoccupations with food and water, ideological challenges to global order. This is the new book.

The book club book is called Brooklyn and I assume it's going to be good because it's a book club selection.

The 3rd book is one that I picked up while attending the Bronte lecture; it's called Becoming Jane Eyre and it's about the 3 sisters, all writers, and is historical fiction.

Looking forward to an equally productive Sunday. I hope to wash my car and trim a large viburnum tree that's growing too close to my driveway. As well as make a big pot of vegan chili.

This day made me feel like I am reclaiming my life (time) a little. I guess I hadn't realized how much my mother's illness had consumed my time. The last 6 months especially were a real blur, I mean, it was like driving in a car with the windows down, without my glasses at 70 mph. Scary, really scary.

But even before that, my free time revolved around checking in on her every weekend and making sure there were no unpaid bills, and trying to do some fun things with her too. Now I am so glad that I did on occasion do those fun things with her, and I wish I'd done more.

But today I felt an inkling of "freedom," freedom to do whatever I want. It feels exciting. There's nothing like the death of someone close to you to give new (real) meaning to the oft-heard expression, Time is short. It has stirred some thoughts in me about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and a sense of urgency to start doing those things NOW, even though, of course, I've heard "time is short" dozens of times. But I never took it to heart the way I do now.

I'm certainly not over grieving, I can tell you that. And there again, I had no idea pre-December 28 that the grieving process could take many months or years. You really don't get it til it happens to you. And when I was browsing in Home Goods, I started feeling sad looking at all these pretty little Easter dishes because I won't have my mom this Easter and my mom was the one I sometimes bought these things for, and now I can't do that. By the time I had grabbed my lunch at Boston Market, I had begun to cry again, and so I sat there in m y car with the tears running down my cheeks and my mashed potatoes getting cold because I was too upset to eat. Ugh.

Mom's birthday is coming up in early March. That's going to be a very tough day. I guess I'll continue to teeter between the possibilities within my new-found time and a continued sense of profound loss.